meltdown

F you!

I wish
I could stop feeling;
I wish I was numb.

Desensitized?
Then why are we still reacting? Why does this elicit pain?

a brat

She called numerous times; left messages saying that she has to leave town soon. I thought something bad had happened -- like being dumped by her boyfriend. Turns out that she'll be free for a week and just wants a playmate. I'm appalled but then I'm reminded that she's only 20.
 

gettin' crazy

I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that phase.
Even your emotions had an echo
In so much space

And when you're out there
Without care,
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much

Does that make me crazy
Does that make me crazy
Does that make me crazy
Probably

And I hope that you are having the time of your life
But think twice, that's my only advice
Come on now, who do you, who do you, who do you, who do you think you are,
Ha ha ha bless your soul
You really think you're in control. . .

back to square one

Well, so much for Monday -- didn't call the insurance claim office or the a(ss)ccountant as I intended to. O yea, Ma says that I gotta find the '04 tax papers and sign something that needs to be mailed ASAP. I'm livid as usual at the last-minute notices. But I live in a world that has wonderful stuff like Nutella. Today, I slathered some on lightly salted rice cakes (instead of graham crackers) and it was awesome! I was Google-ing images of rice cakes and what usually popped up were 떡. Then it occurred to me that Nutella would be awesome for 송편 () filling. I'm writing all of this cuz I'm dying to go to the kitchen 'n give into my Nutella or chocolate craving -- I love you, chocolate! Especially, organic chocolate! But I might want to cut down on my caffeine intake cuz my right eye twitched more frequently today. Did I mention that I woke up, saying, "Oh my God, I'm gonna die penniless!" Oh my God, it's twitching again!

no progress

On Monday night, I e-mailed Aldo that I will get my act together starting the next day. Well, I haven't accomplished much since then. Alright, nothing! Well, the upside is that I wrote to him in Korean; so he can't keep me accountable for something he can't understand or let alone read.

What I did do:

food experiments

attempt making cookies out of a 79-cent German chocolate cake mix box: The first batch was half-baked, somewhere between a brownie and fudge. Should have added more cake mix or baked 'em longer. Still tasty, though -- Think brownie shell with slightly creamy fudge center. The second batch taught me that although adding 1/4 cup of coffee and hot cocoa mix makes it more chocolatey, any bit of water will produce rising cake thingamajig -- not cookie. Stick to eggs and light olive oil. Maybe I can dissolve instant coffee after beating the eggs. And 10 minutes ain't enough baking time! P.S. Avoid using pine nuts that have been sitting in the fridge; they absorb all the fridge smell and you will taste it!

Emeril's Vodka Sauce: Very garlicky but the taste reminds me of vomit. I think I've had better vodka sauce or any tomato-based sauce for that matter. If anything, this stupid product of his, confirms that he can't cook. He doesn't even really cook on his fucking show! Everything's fucking pre-made! Why do people watch him? Cuz he yells "Bam! Bam!"? Wanna make money in food? First of all, be fat! The fatter the better! Look at Paula Dean and Mario Batali! And make sure you love grease! Crazy shit like fried ice cream cake!

콩나물국: Don't substitute red onions for regular ones. When boiled, the sulfuric oniony flavor is retained; it's nasty. Shouldn't have forgotten garlic but I did; ended up dumping black pepper -- huge mistake -- , dried pollack, 약고추장, tofu, and soy sauce. Yep, the result was disastrous; just because I forgot to add garlic -- prompted a goose chase for that missing somethin' and balancing out that weird onion taste.

the L(ettuce).T(omato). sandwich: No bacon or lunch meat? Don't need 'em. Smear deli mustard on one side and stack tomatoes. Next, stack lettuce with mayo-smeared slice. Dig in. Tomorrow I'm gonna try switching the order of the L and the T, and see if it's better. Of course, I'm eating like a rabbit cuz Ma doesn't buy any cold cuts or even canned tuna. And I don't get 'em myself cuz I sure as hell don't want to spend money on the parasites who only want to enjoy the fruits of my labor.

get sucked into watching TV

As the World Turns: Margo made Maddie her pawn when she opened up to Maddie "not as a cop but as a friend" about her own sexual assault experience. Through Maddie's reluctant admission, Margo confirms her suspicions that Maddie was raped. But then Margo tells Maddie that she's still not free to go cuz Maddie has to deal with potential charges against her (i.e. ripping up Lia's car seat). What's great about soap operas is that at times, the show can be so riveting. But then they gotta drag out the plots -- so even if you check back 6 months later, not much has changed. However, the show makes sure a recap is sneaked into the characters' dialogues so they don't lose you the viewer: "Hey, remember how I got away with arson by being institutionalized for a year?" Anyhoo, I'm hoping that Lia's dead cuz man, she's so damn ugly. I've also noticed that the extras who play sluts look pretty masculine and all the young "teenage" guys look gay.

What Not to Wear: I've managed to wean off watching the show all-night-long on Fridays. But I'm so upset with today's rerun -- the 6'1" nanny from Washington, D.C. Carmindy did an amazing job with the make-up that transformed her face, nearly as beautiful as Angelina Jolie -- especially the eyes! And the woman refuses to cut her stupid hair! She had a pronounced forehead and I was wondering what Nick would do with that -- and she tells him to get lost! The stupid cow's decision is revealed 30 minutes into the show and so I waited for nothing. Hey nanny, you're pretty but like Nick said, your ugly hair is overpowering all the work they did for ya. You had my forehead, bitch!

Blade: The Series: Even when "Sticky" doesn't open his mouth, he still can't act. I'm writhing until this wannabe's scene is over, craving for a character kill. Maybe Snipes will reconsider. Nelson Lee is a bit awkward too. But Jill Wagner keeps the show together -- as eyecandy and she can act. Overall, the show is a nice outlet in the middle of the week.

General Hospital: I guess the writers ran out of ideas and decided that it'd be best to imitate The Sopranos. Sonny's a gangsta, right? I learned a psychology term "enabling." And Dillon finally realizes that it was pretty stupid to call his wife a slut. But he wants her back when Georgie's about to really own her misnomer. After kicking Dillon's ass to the curb, she's in Diego's arms but Diego doesn't jump for joy after hearing the news from Georgie.

What I Like About You: Amanda Bynes' exaggerated acting is tolerable. It's also amusing to see the 90210 ex-hunks to make special appearances. Man, Brandon, the years haven't been too good to ya, eh? And if you want to know why it's a good idea to steer clear of guys with big foreheads, look at Dylan. I keep asking myself why we all thought he was such a bad ass. Nothing about him exuded all that except his hair. Yes, da hair! I also learned that if you don't get your marriage annulled quickly, it'd take 6 months instead -- a valuable legal lesson. So if I ever get pissed drunk, and crazy enough to elope with some bastard, I now know my options. Who said TV was worthless?

People's Court: Judge Marilyn is watchable cuz she's got passion. She's also the most tolerable screaming and yelling judge on TV. And she's moving to FOX -- this can only mean that the cases will get more amusing.

Dr. Phil: Sometimes the hick can dole out some useful advice and proves that he does know psychology. It's the show's format that annoys me. Too much time is spent introducing the guests and often Dr. Phil looks like he'd like to be anywhere but there. And, there's just too much hype about his guests. One time, a father was accused of being inappropriate with his teenage daughter (e.g. sleeping in the same bed) by his girlfriend. The blaring clips suggested sexual abuse or somethin'. But turns out that the guy, from raising his daughter without her biological mother, became indifferent to what is socially acceptable. Now, let me rant about inappropriateness. At chez yours-truly, Pa gets indignant when I ask him why he needs to come into my room. At first, I thought he was just an asshole. But after watching Korean soap operas on TV, I learned that Korean parents in general, have no regard for their children's personal space; They just don't knock. See? the tube covers everything! Then again, the internet would be more efficient at retrieving information; but it's just not as entertaining -- usually the lessons are weaved into a plot. Hey, TV is good stuff! I have more than enough reasons to justify watching it. The only prob is that I watch too much of it and let go of running my life. But it's so much easier to just give up than trying to live it.

Ma tells me that I gotta cash out my checking accounts and give all my money to her. She says that according to a(ss)ccountant #3, the Workers' Comp. will come after me if I have any money. I calmly register the information, and it makes absolutely no sense! First of all, I don't have tons of money to begin with, and am I not allowed to have some? No savings? I just love it when Ma keeps me in the dark until things get really bad. That a(ss)ccountant better give me a good reason, come Monday.

arm-twisting

As I was sitting in the court room, waiting my turn for what seems like a mere formality, it dawned on me: everybody in this room are pawns for the city of Fort Lee. We're the other source of income for this greedy town.

If our cases get dismissed, we're berated; and with a scowl, we're told that we should be grateful that all we have to pay is $460.00. Where else will you spend your money so angrily and in shame?

Ma's tactic

Poor Jae. Only 23 and has to worry about his sister. I know Ma talked him into calling me up; to find out what's going on with me, since I don't tell her anything.

I'll have to push myself harder so he won't be burdened by me; I don't want him to think of me as one.

Gonzo

Today, he preferred throwing his sneaker at my bedroom window than ringing the buzzer. If my parents are the cake, he's that fucking icing. He is the insult to the irreparable injury. He highlights the rotten hand I'm dealt with.

Ma

shoves her version of religion down my throat

tells me that i'm fat

says that i should trust her

smothers me in the name of love

creates trouble for me to solve

Pa

micro manager

won't hesitate to use money as a weapon.

never forgives nor forgets.

his wife and offsprings are subjects who owe him.

i can't remember a day when he didn't raise his voice.

pep talk

And with the early dawn
Moving right along
I couldn’t buy and eyeful of sleep
And in the aching night under satellites
I was not received

Built with stolen parts
A telephone in my heart
Someone get me a priest
To put my mind to bed
This ringing in my head
Is this a cure or is this a disease

Nail in my hand
From my creator
You gave me life
Now show me how to live

And in the after birth
On the quiet earth
Let the stains remind you
You thought you made a man
You better think again
Before my role defines you

And in your waiting hands
I will land
And roll out of my skin
And in your final hours I will stand
Ready to begin
Ready to begin
Ready to begin
Ready to begin

Show me how to live
Show me how to live
Show me how to live
Show me how to live

preface

Just the other day, I was wondering how I ended up with a million zits, extra weight, and tears streaming down my face; This was not how I pictured this summer.

The process of setting up this blog, buoyed me from depression; Even tweaking a template requires determination. And then I realized I can still stretch myself a little bit more, to pull it together. So now I'm bent on checking off -- as much as possible -- my to-do list.

In order to achieve this, I need to somehow make peace with a lot of shit -- including my dysfunctional family -- or let it go. I write these things to keep myself accountable; I need a reminder every time I run into an obstacle -- my family -- and eventually break down: lamenting how I'm such a pawn to those users (especially my mother) and feeling suicidal because I'm just another extra pawn in this hellhole we call earth.