meant to be friends?

By Monday afternoon, I thought I was doing alright. I had my "change of scenery" with the campus-wide power outage on Sunday afternoon. The sudden interruption was my shaved head and weird earring; topping that was being nourished by home-cooked goodness -- so comforting. Also, verbalizing my feelings with AJ was a great cathartic release; I felt recharged and ready to take on life again with my relatively E-free weekend.

I guess I should have realized that avoidance wasn't the solution when I saw a poor man's clone of him in the cafeteria.

It was just unforgettable when I saw his photogenic ID card Monday night; when I was signing in for a practice room. Of all the cards, why was his placed there? Right where I would put it? And today, I saw his stupid car with his blaring bumper sticker at the foot of the walkway to the last Society lecture. Does he usually park there? Is this all coincidental? This is just as confusing and foggy as the weekend or the rut I was in, trying to get over him. It's like as if he just parked himself in my head and took all the space he can, crowding my thoughts. I tried to shake it off but he appeared again in the Society folder with his recital flyer. But, the ultimate exasperation was when the stupid security guard took a break and I ended up staring at the jazz bulletin board and the first thing that catches my eye is his lost notice for his bow. So I sighed and accepted it as fate that he should be back in my cell phonebook. In a way, I feel like at least for this week, he's not gonna go away until I write him back. So listen, I'll write you as soon as I hear from that stupid Management professor, 'kay?

what was that all about?

I wasn't sure what I was going to say. But as soon as I saw him, I knew it was over. Instead of words, tears started to stream out. An overwhelming sadness was about to drown me and it got worse when I turned to see his face. I may not have realized at that moment but unconsciouly I knew and he definitely knew that I was going to be a weight in his life, eventually a resentment because he can never be the person I want. At the moment, I thought it was a beautiful sadness. Now, I'm not too sure. Maybe it was but all I feel now is anger, restlessness, and betrayral. I'm so mad with myself for... No, I don't regret anything. I enjoyed every moment I had with him but this sucks. This feeling of rejection, whether it's good for me in the long run. Nobody wants to be rejected for any reason.

But I will keep my distance because I'm not helping him or myself. I need to get over him ASAP and if I can, be a good friend to him so he can in return, do the same; he owes me. He owes me friendship cuz he could not be who I had in mind. He should be sorry that he didn't know better; he's going to realize later on, "What the hell was I thinking? I was so immature!" He's going to realize that his day-to-day outlook hurt someone nice, whether intentionally or unintentionally; that his selfishness tainted the beautiful butterfly he met.

She will fly again but she's screaming blood and murder during the recovery. She hates recoveries.

at ebb

And just like that, in a month, those waves of feelings that rushed in are retreating back to their origin; it was a nice ride. I enjoyed it very much, thank you. I'm not so sure if I'm mad at the object of my affection as much as at myself. After all, I allowed myself to plunge in, feel the water.

He's a busy guy who doesn't like to talk on the phone. Of course, I gave him alternative means to contact me but he's not interested in anything other than face-to-face. I could be the better person, understanding 'n all. But I don't want to. At this age, I know what I want and don't have much patience and time for things to happen.

I also know that his laptop and navigator got stolen but he doesn't let me in, involve me in his life. Maybe I pissed him off when he was feeling vulnerable. In any case, he knew that I understood his hectic life. He knew that I wanted to be supportive of him; he knew how I felt. I never played any games. The ball was always in his court. I miss the chase; I miss when he was so into me.

"A relationship never ends," Rosamund Zander told her husband once. It may have been a tactic to make him stay in a difficult time. But to him, these words ignited a spark within to work on his marriage.

Even if we eventually lose contact, he'll always be remembered. I'm just frustrated that despite a month, I still don't know him very well.

trouble in paradise

How young is too young?
Maybe he is too young.
I want to make this work but I'm also wondering if it's wise to do so.

He seems to have difficulty receiving stuff from me or even me paying for him.
And tonight, his words colored in his every ounce of pride, in every fiber of his being.
Am I making him feel bad about himself?
I thought I was making him feel good.
Are we better off without each other?
Is it too late?
Are we in a bit too deep?
Too intricately linked?
Are the only options to delve further or rip apart ourselves from each other?

He makes me melt and I miss being with him.
But, someone please remind me what we have in common.
We may be just too different.

love locked out

a la Bill Henderson:

Love locked out in all the cold and rain,
Love locked out may never come again,
Love locked out and weeping bitter tears,
But no one ever hears love calling.
Though we need the precious gift it brings,
We don't heed the song of love it sings,
On the door love beats its tiny wings,
Just love locked out.
A world without love is a world without life,
A sad world full of gloom,
So please make a place there for love in your heart,
It does not need much room.
Love is well worth the waiting for,
When it comes knocking at your door,
Fling it wide, for love locked out will come
No more, no more.

When can I see you again?

When can my heart beat again
When does the pain ever end
When do the tears stop from running over
When does “you'll get over it” begin
I hear what you're saying
But I swear that it's not making sense
So when can I see you

When can I see you again
When can my heart beat again
When can I see you again
When can I breathe once again
And when can I see you

When does my "someday" begin
When I'll find someone again
And what if I still am not truly over
What am I supposed to do then, babe...
Do you see what I'm saying
Even if, if it's not making sense
So when can I see you

When can I see you again
When can my heart beat again
When can I see you again
And when can I breathe once again
And when can I see you... again

Yeah, baby
Do you see what I'm saying
Even if, if it's not making sense, baby
So when can I see you again

When can I see you again
Can my heart beat again, baby
When can I see you again
And when can I breathe once again
And when can I see, babe, again

Wanna see you again
Again...

relationship potential

SECTION I: How j Relates to Other People

Sun Trine Uranus with an orb between 1/2 and 1 degree:
You have a unique view of life and have been fortunate in finding friends and partners with whom you can share it. Your relationships will be most successful when you also have in your life an interest, goal or project which absorbs both of you equally.

Sun Square Pluto with an orb between 1 and 3 degrees:
Power struggles plague your relationships. Either you become the dominant partner out of a fear of being controlled or you become very passive, controlling indirectly through guilt or manipulation. Your father may have been emotionally abusive to you.

Mercury Square Pluto with an orb between 1 and 3 degrees:
You're not awfully good at being disagreed with. You delve into matters, think them through thoroughly and expect your conclusions to be universally shared. Flexibility is not your strong suit. No one should try to lie to you or keep things from you. Somehow you ferret out others' secrets although you keep your own.

Mars Square Saturn with an orb between 1 and 3 degrees:
Your emotional needs were not met when you were growing up and there was nothing you could do about it. Even today, you tend not to express anger or pain or resentment except when you are in an infrequent rage. This is a problem in close relationships.

Mercury Trine Uranus with an orb between 1 and 3 degrees:
You have an innovative turn of mind and may have a talent for an unusual subject. Your ideas are often considered to be ahead of your time. You can be somewhat impersonal and detached - even with close ties. You need to share controversial ideas with friends.

Sun SemiSquare Venus with an orb of less than 1 degree:
Your love nature is very turbulent. You form relationships impulsively and then worry it's with the wrong person. There seems to be a dichotomy between the person you know yourself to be and the person you feel you should be in order to be valued and loved.

Mercury SemiSquare Venus with an orb of less than 1 degree:
Your love nature is rather turbulent. When you fall in love, you can't think of anything else. You are drawn to people whose ideas are often different from your own. Once you're emotionally hooked you worry about compatibility. Perspective can be a problem.


SECTION II: How e Relates to Other People

Mercury Square Pluto with an orb between 1 and 3 degrees:
You're not awfully good at being disagreed with. You delve into matters, think them through thoroughly and expect your conclusions to be universally shared. Flexibility is not your strong suit. No one should try to lie to you or keep things from you. Somehow you ferret out others' secrets although you keep your own.

Mars Sesquiquadrate Saturn with an orb of less than 1 degree:
Your emotional needs were not met when you were growing up and there was nothing you could do about it. Even today, you tend not to express anger or pain or resentment except when you are in an infrequent rage. This is a problem in close relationships.

Venus Conjunct Mars with an orb between 3 and 5 degrees:
Yours was not a happy childhood and, while there is nothing you want more than a close love relationship, you may also fear it. You probably have an active sex life but may have some discomfort acknowledging feelings of love, dependence or vulnerability.

danger: expanding egos

You have great faith in each other and you inspire, encourage and cheer each other on with great exuberance. The problem here, though, may be that your hopes for each other are unrealistic and that reality isn't met by your visionary expectations, even though an aura of confidence and positive affirmations surround you. You may spend a great deal of time, energy and money in your quests and you may travel a great deal because of internal restlessness, but your plans are apt to not work out.

Religion, education, and philosophy are interests that you share, but the difficulty may lie in that there are differences between you in accepting the other's ideas so, instead of expansion, these differences bring stagnation or apathy.

Practical considerations may go right out the window when making decisions and large-scale errors in judgment may be made, thus leading to failure instead of success. You seem to count on things before they have materialized and this leaves you somewhat disillusioned by the whole process. Failure can be realized in business, romance and gambling because of foolish optimism.

Another danger here is that you both may promise more to the relationship than you can deliver, thus leaving one of you feeling that the other is unreliable. Ego confrontations are also a part of the picture and difficulties may arise with authority figures such as parents. You may also go overboard with finances which results in loss. The two of you will tend to be very materialistic, extravagant and arrogant, spending money on useless items just for the sake of show. These actions will eventually show you the error of your ways.

If you are not careful, there can be minor brushes with the law so you would be well advised to keep your noses clean.

like, riding a bike again – sorta.

Well, it’s not like we’re 10 years apart. But he is indeed the youngest by far. He didn’t come on too strong but he’d feel my hands a lot, try to put his arm around my waist, etc. The good news is he didn’t try to kiss me – yet. I don’t know; Maybe I was too optimistic but I was hoping we’d be friends and hang out. I don’t think he’s interested in that.

Dear God, I know I wanted sex but I'm not too sure I want it with him. He is cute but he doesn't make me feel younger. He stares at me quite intensely and it makes me even more cautious of how to behave around him. I'm not sure if this is such a good idea, even for a fling. Shit, it shouldn't be so complicated if I just want fun. But it looks like I'm starting to warm up to him; I felt an electrifying jolt when he kissed my hand. And he is so interesting, probably more mature than all the dicks I've had.

I don't know, dunno.

But:
Real men want women of any age who like them, who want to make them feel good and who raise their testosterone level.
If this is true, I should just let go of my inhibitions and see it through.

as an outsider...

I'm trying to understand but I can't. She doesn't want to let go of Peter and she doesn't want anybody to date Doc. She's got a plank in her eye and she keeps yammering about specks in others. Frankly, I rather have her leave Peter so he can at least be with someone who'd be willing to commit. But I gave her my word that I'd be on her side, no matter what. If only Doc showed some sign that he's interested in her... But Doc is one flirtatious fiend, leading on PN (Prostitute Name aka Yoohoo's sister). I can't even blame it all on Doc cuz everyone's participating.

I don't like witnessing people being so treacherous to each other. It makes me sad; really sad. They're decent people and I don't feel like hanging out with 'em anymore.

enough!

I've had it with NFs (i.e. jeanie and haepee); it's high time I find me some people who like to keep in touch regularly, are on time, and really value and appreciate me. Ya know, I don't mind just curling up with a book on New Year's Eve. I'm just so sick 'n tired of people being so indecisive and that it takes too much cajoling to get 'em to do something.

i hate looking at the world through my fingers

Well, it was a nice run; Haepee doesn't return my calls and e-mails, and getting reacquainted with people from the past is always awkward and never lasts. Sorry, Teeth, I just can't get past what you did to me.

In other news, it's clear that I should keep my eyes on an institution in Wayne. Baruch, you snubbed me.

God, I just hope that I make it enough to escape my crazy family; I really need a place of my own.

grace

About 3 years ago, Jobber and I sort of dated when he was struggling to figure out what he wanted to do with his life. The military disappointed the ex-captain and he was about to start his MBA. At the time, his employment prospects looked grim cuz the only thing he could nab was working for an elevator construction company. Fast forward. Now, he's an investment banker.

Jae asked me to hook him up with i-bankers and finally I did. I had a hard time trying to figure out how to appeal to his good graces without sounding phony or despicable. One good thing about Haepee is that because of her, I had to log in to Friendster. Being bored and waiting for her to get back to me led to catching up with all the updated profiles of "friends." As soon as I saw his, I wondered if I should go for it and ask him if he'd consider talking to Jae. He overlooked us -- not that I meant very much to him --, and graciously imparted advice for Jae. For that, he is the better person. I'm still contemplating treating him to a nice meal but I wonder if it's overdoing it. It'd be so fake and he'll see through it too -- not to mention, it'll be awkward. But as the recipient of benevolence, I guess I'll have to just try.

extension skool villain

Today must be: Pounce on Da Pawn Day.

Here's Manic; the only progeny of a math professor (but hails from a line of doctors) and an ex-psychiatrist (who also tumbles from a doctor family). The latter or the mother was diagnosed bipolar. I haven't witnessed any symptoms from Manic but she does have a little crazy in her. She once said that she resented that her boyfriend had a better relationship with his parents than her. When she told me this, I tried to chalked it up to something I couldn't remember but I assured her that she wasn't thinking evil thoughts, like wishing ill for her boyfriend. Of course, looking back, I was a fool. Should have instead said that she probably needed to be institutionalized, preferably somewhere far, like her home country Germany.

She called cuz school starts tomorrow and she's bored -- maybe she's lonely in Ithaca. But who cares? She's the droopy-nosed bitch who smirked that I got into an accident. So she can go to hell.

the village idiots

There's a school located in the heart of a village. I attended that school in hopes of reaping the benefits of being educated at that institution. But that's another story. Rather, I want to talk about the idiots that I met in that "village." Why? Well, cuz two of 'em invaded my personal space this week.

Meet Haepee; she's a spoiled brat who contacts me every other summer to get together whenever Yoohoo's ass is in the city. Thing is, every time I try to make this happen, they just disappear again. Maybe it's high time I delete her from my Friendster list. But she might prove to be useful one day and that's why I don't cut people off from my life unless they're hurling insults. So you can understand why I sigh when I look at my phonebook; I've paid so much money for this stupid school, just to wind up meeting useless idiots.

Say hello to Kevpi. I think he pretends that we're friends cuz I am the unobtainable fuck. Let me explain: I'm no super model but just because I'll never sleep with him, I've become this object he must pursue relentlessly -- just because he can't get what he wants. And even if I try to be friends with this guy, he never lets me in his life but he has no trouble making me feel uncomfortable and keeps pouncing me for answers.

I'm so tired, so weary. I just want to resign life; just close shop and call it quits. I really want to quit.

matrilineal relations

Mom's cousin who's 34 and her 2 kids, ages 4 & 5; that makes me and the kiddies: distant cousins.

So here's how the family tree goes: GGP (great grandpa) had 3 wives and spawned 14 offsprings. The first wife produced 2 sons -- my gramps and his older brother. Ma's cousin's father is the spawn from the 3rd wife. Dang, the GGP had a clan!

Ma's tactic

Poor Jae. Only 23 and has to worry about his sister. I know Ma talked him into calling me up; to find out what's going on with me, since I don't tell her anything.

I'll have to push myself harder so he won't be burdened by me; I don't want him to think of me as one.

Gonzo

Today, he preferred throwing his sneaker at my bedroom window than ringing the buzzer. If my parents are the cake, he's that fucking icing. He is the insult to the irreparable injury. He highlights the rotten hand I'm dealt with.

Ma

shoves her version of religion down my throat

tells me that i'm fat

says that i should trust her

smothers me in the name of love

creates trouble for me to solve

Pa

micro manager

won't hesitate to use money as a weapon.

never forgives nor forgets.

his wife and offsprings are subjects who owe him.

i can't remember a day when he didn't raise his voice.