coexisting with the past

I want things I can't have. I wish there was a manual override on emotions; I kind of wish I don't feel anymore. Maybe that's the key; just shut down that part of myself until I feel safe. I need to just hold my breath; it ain't time yet to surface for air. I'll preoccupy myself with crossing off the to-do lists and finishing off books that have been gathering dust...


You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

You are such a fool
To worry like you do.. Oh
I know it's tough
And you can never get enough
Of what you don't really need now
My, oh my

Oh love, look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm 'til you discover how deep
I wasn't jumping, for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along this stony pass

It's just a moment
This time will pass

the real price for stuff

I think Mum would rather keep buying me stuff than divorce the bastard. And I can't even reject the stuff; it's thrown at me. After that, I'm expected to perform the duty whether I like it or not. I have no say in the matter and I must comply; otherwise, they will remind me of the stuff I never asked for. It all comes back to the stuff.

the blair decade

Have you seen it? Such pieces motivate me to read; to do my own investigating.

The final remark touched a nerve: Blair had the capacity to become a great prime minister but he fell "quite short of it." Like Blair, we overestimate our strengths and are unconsciously blind to our weaknesses; that's normal and we will all fall short. But what I see is not so much the exposed failure but the new bar. Blair may have not lived up to his full potential but he definitely raised expectations. As a prime minister, he took advantage of his relatively smaller footprint and fully pushed the envelope. I think that's what I'd like to achieve as well, challenging myself to produce. Accomplishments are beyond no doubt, great. However, the significance of these very things are that they erect milestones and elevate standards. Sometimes it doesn't take much to become the rising star but when you're in, be fabulous!

to better days

One whole month before turning 30... I've been waiting for this moment for so long that I just want to get it over with. Summer skool will provide a nice distraction and the month will go by fast. Wish my Memorial Day Weekend was more fun but hey, shopping can always compensate for my lack of happiness -- er, fun.

I used to think people were lying when they'd tell me they're 29; I thought they were trying to hide their real age -- whether it'd be 30 or older. In my case, I'd get shocked looks cuz they thought I was much younger. So being 29 wasn't a drag, being pawed all over by a cute young 'un 'n all. But I also got too carried away and ended up being hurt too. It was sort of like riding a bike again and falling down -- again.

I want to be intimate with someone again but I'm afraid the pond I'm in doesn't have too many fish:
Friendster Horoscope for May 27, 2007
Cancer (Jun 22 - Jul 22)
The Bottom Line: Still getting a lot less than you're putting in? It may be time to cut bait.
In Detail: If you're still getting a lot less out of a long-term project (or relationship) than you're putting in, it may be time to admit that you're going to have to end things. You can't waste your precious resources forever. Cut bait, row your boat over to another part of the sea, and start fishing in some fresh waters. You may feel as though you're starting all over again -- but you're starting with a lot more wisdom.

need change

I hope life gets better starting today.

I hope I show full appreciation, when I can, to people who matter and I hope I meet people who think of me the same.
I hope I can meet more friends than foes; it's so easy for people to turn against you.

I hope I can cope better in this new environment; I hope I can adjust to loneliness better.

I hope I can be more mindful of creating productive days; I hope I wake up determined to achieve goals, especially since I don't have much accountability.

I hope I don't forget these affirmations.

at my wit's end

How is it possible that I miss someone who's not into me? Someone I don't even know well? If I stayed longer, I would have felt so lonely. So there's no desire to be back together but I don't want to cut him off entirely. I don't understand this when there's not much for me to gain; especially now since there's even less, cuz we're friends. Someone talk some sense into me. I don't fully understand this.

hey, he is a pig after all!

Me (10:19:06 PM): u're a player

Me (10:19:14 PM): it's not enough there's one girl waiting for u

Me (10:19:21 PM): u've gotta diversify

Jae (10:20:30 PM): well girls do teh same, so i don't see the problem here

Me (10:20:03 PM): yeah well u're my brother

Jae (10:21:00 PM): but if i'm in a relationship, of course i wouldn't do this

Me (10:20:26 PM): well, i don't blame u

Me (10:20:37 PM): it just sounded like u were forming a portfolio

And he was, da little fucker! I guess I'm not so mad at him as much as the fact that he's human just like the rest of 'em. Today, in my eyes, he has become a man, like the rest of y'all and I didn't feel so good helping out an asshole like him; I feel like I'm betraying my gender. This just makes me sad. I had certain expectations about him and now I'm disappointed; he's not the baby brother I knew anymore.

I'm always gonna be on his side no matter what -- and I hope he will reciprocate the same -- but this sucks.

jae's a good thing

It's so easy to get self-absorbed and lost in your own "problems." When Jae expressed his anxiety and obsession about a new girl he came across Facebook, listening to the giddy boy mitigated my loneliness; he was asking me everything from what the next step would be, etc. I don't think I need to date again as much as surrounding myself with people. I think the lack of human contact exacerbated the situation; the social tank was apparently empty. Of course, one can feel so alone even though she's surrounded by a mass of people, but I think what made it different was the person -- someone I care about or someone who cares about me. It's good to have a sibling like him.