i want a gay BFF so I can cry on his shoulder...

When you do busy work, say dish washing, thoughts dawn on you: I think it's sad that I haven't met anyone who loved me, not just parts of me. It's even sadder when you're turning 30. I've spent all this time on this planet and I've got nothing to show for. I'm not asking for a marriage; just a great relationship, that great love. Just so in love, truly, deeply, madly...

Anything that resembled a little bit of that was probably in high school. It was hard to articulate the feelings but what else can motivate a guy to write so many pages of lovely letters, and a girl to talk to him on the phone forever? It was pure and innocent; and it will never ever be like that again. You'd be doing yourself a favor by telling him, "I don't believe you." Cuz there's no reason to trust him -- at all. Nobody tied you to him, you tied yourself to him, girlie. You tied yourself to guys who just didn't love you.

So 20 more years until I croak. Let's just throw myself at building me a sand castle. Shall we?

coexisting with the past

I want things I can't have. I wish there was a manual override on emotions; I kind of wish I don't feel anymore. Maybe that's the key; just shut down that part of myself until I feel safe. I need to just hold my breath; it ain't time yet to surface for air. I'll preoccupy myself with crossing off the to-do lists and finishing off books that have been gathering dust...


You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

You are such a fool
To worry like you do.. Oh
I know it's tough
And you can never get enough
Of what you don't really need now
My, oh my

Oh love, look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm 'til you discover how deep
I wasn't jumping, for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along this stony pass

It's just a moment
This time will pass

at my wit's end

How is it possible that I miss someone who's not into me? Someone I don't even know well? If I stayed longer, I would have felt so lonely. So there's no desire to be back together but I don't want to cut him off entirely. I don't understand this when there's not much for me to gain; especially now since there's even less, cuz we're friends. Someone talk some sense into me. I don't fully understand this.

you say goodbye, i say hello

As obvious as this may sound, when things start losing meaning, they become insignificant. I wish he had done this earlier; being transparent about his loss of interest in me and that's why it was easy for him to cut it off. But then again, when people give reasons of why it has to end, they never really do tell the truth. He'll never be able to tell me that he likes me, but not that much. And I'll never be able to tell him that I never saw a future with him; that I was very horny at the time and the sex happened to get better.

It's hard to hold onto his word that we'll be good friends; it's hard when I can't trust him anymore. When there's no action following through, I can't believe that our friendship will materialize. Intentionally or not, he's making it easier for me to hate him and move on. I'm sorry, but I tried and you just didn't; you're just inconsiderate. There's no other way to look at it but that you didn't know what you were saying when you offered friendship; then again, guys never know what they're doing until it's too late.

I doubt that I'll get involved with someone younger again, or even meet anyone from school. I don't think I'll even meet any friends; it's gonna be pretty lonely. I hope getting a car will fill a void by going to places. I hope I'll be strong enough to keep going; I'm kinda tired, ya know. And I think he's kissing a girl right now; I'm so sure that it hurts.

longings?

Sometimes I wake up thinking about you; it's weird. I make no effort in trying to forget you or try to remember you; yet it's been happening frequently. It's been less than a week since I heard from you but it feels like as if a month has passed by.

I still get startled or my heart starts racing when I see a Jeep. But I don't mourn us anymore; Us was fleeting to begin with and us is no longer tangible -- the images are fading and so are the memories. I find myself trying harder to remember now; to a point that I regret not documenting everything, especially the good ones. Maybe it's cuz I've been too busy and I thank God for that focused preoccupation -- my saving grace in helping me get through. Yet, I don't hate you; at least for now.

meant to be friends?

By Monday afternoon, I thought I was doing alright. I had my "change of scenery" with the campus-wide power outage on Sunday afternoon. The sudden interruption was my shaved head and weird earring; topping that was being nourished by home-cooked goodness -- so comforting. Also, verbalizing my feelings with AJ was a great cathartic release; I felt recharged and ready to take on life again with my relatively E-free weekend.

I guess I should have realized that avoidance wasn't the solution when I saw a poor man's clone of him in the cafeteria.

It was just unforgettable when I saw his photogenic ID card Monday night; when I was signing in for a practice room. Of all the cards, why was his placed there? Right where I would put it? And today, I saw his stupid car with his blaring bumper sticker at the foot of the walkway to the last Society lecture. Does he usually park there? Is this all coincidental? This is just as confusing and foggy as the weekend or the rut I was in, trying to get over him. It's like as if he just parked himself in my head and took all the space he can, crowding my thoughts. I tried to shake it off but he appeared again in the Society folder with his recital flyer. But, the ultimate exasperation was when the stupid security guard took a break and I ended up staring at the jazz bulletin board and the first thing that catches my eye is his lost notice for his bow. So I sighed and accepted it as fate that he should be back in my cell phonebook. In a way, I feel like at least for this week, he's not gonna go away until I write him back. So listen, I'll write you as soon as I hear from that stupid Management professor, 'kay?

what was that all about?

I wasn't sure what I was going to say. But as soon as I saw him, I knew it was over. Instead of words, tears started to stream out. An overwhelming sadness was about to drown me and it got worse when I turned to see his face. I may not have realized at that moment but unconsciouly I knew and he definitely knew that I was going to be a weight in his life, eventually a resentment because he can never be the person I want. At the moment, I thought it was a beautiful sadness. Now, I'm not too sure. Maybe it was but all I feel now is anger, restlessness, and betrayral. I'm so mad with myself for... No, I don't regret anything. I enjoyed every moment I had with him but this sucks. This feeling of rejection, whether it's good for me in the long run. Nobody wants to be rejected for any reason.

But I will keep my distance because I'm not helping him or myself. I need to get over him ASAP and if I can, be a good friend to him so he can in return, do the same; he owes me. He owes me friendship cuz he could not be who I had in mind. He should be sorry that he didn't know better; he's going to realize later on, "What the hell was I thinking? I was so immature!" He's going to realize that his day-to-day outlook hurt someone nice, whether intentionally or unintentionally; that his selfishness tainted the beautiful butterfly he met.

She will fly again but she's screaming blood and murder during the recovery. She hates recoveries.

relationship potential

SECTION I: How j Relates to Other People

Sun Trine Uranus with an orb between 1/2 and 1 degree:
You have a unique view of life and have been fortunate in finding friends and partners with whom you can share it. Your relationships will be most successful when you also have in your life an interest, goal or project which absorbs both of you equally.

Sun Square Pluto with an orb between 1 and 3 degrees:
Power struggles plague your relationships. Either you become the dominant partner out of a fear of being controlled or you become very passive, controlling indirectly through guilt or manipulation. Your father may have been emotionally abusive to you.

Mercury Square Pluto with an orb between 1 and 3 degrees:
You're not awfully good at being disagreed with. You delve into matters, think them through thoroughly and expect your conclusions to be universally shared. Flexibility is not your strong suit. No one should try to lie to you or keep things from you. Somehow you ferret out others' secrets although you keep your own.

Mars Square Saturn with an orb between 1 and 3 degrees:
Your emotional needs were not met when you were growing up and there was nothing you could do about it. Even today, you tend not to express anger or pain or resentment except when you are in an infrequent rage. This is a problem in close relationships.

Mercury Trine Uranus with an orb between 1 and 3 degrees:
You have an innovative turn of mind and may have a talent for an unusual subject. Your ideas are often considered to be ahead of your time. You can be somewhat impersonal and detached - even with close ties. You need to share controversial ideas with friends.

Sun SemiSquare Venus with an orb of less than 1 degree:
Your love nature is very turbulent. You form relationships impulsively and then worry it's with the wrong person. There seems to be a dichotomy between the person you know yourself to be and the person you feel you should be in order to be valued and loved.

Mercury SemiSquare Venus with an orb of less than 1 degree:
Your love nature is rather turbulent. When you fall in love, you can't think of anything else. You are drawn to people whose ideas are often different from your own. Once you're emotionally hooked you worry about compatibility. Perspective can be a problem.


SECTION II: How e Relates to Other People

Mercury Square Pluto with an orb between 1 and 3 degrees:
You're not awfully good at being disagreed with. You delve into matters, think them through thoroughly and expect your conclusions to be universally shared. Flexibility is not your strong suit. No one should try to lie to you or keep things from you. Somehow you ferret out others' secrets although you keep your own.

Mars Sesquiquadrate Saturn with an orb of less than 1 degree:
Your emotional needs were not met when you were growing up and there was nothing you could do about it. Even today, you tend not to express anger or pain or resentment except when you are in an infrequent rage. This is a problem in close relationships.

Venus Conjunct Mars with an orb between 3 and 5 degrees:
Yours was not a happy childhood and, while there is nothing you want more than a close love relationship, you may also fear it. You probably have an active sex life but may have some discomfort acknowledging feelings of love, dependence or vulnerability.

danger: expanding egos

You have great faith in each other and you inspire, encourage and cheer each other on with great exuberance. The problem here, though, may be that your hopes for each other are unrealistic and that reality isn't met by your visionary expectations, even though an aura of confidence and positive affirmations surround you. You may spend a great deal of time, energy and money in your quests and you may travel a great deal because of internal restlessness, but your plans are apt to not work out.

Religion, education, and philosophy are interests that you share, but the difficulty may lie in that there are differences between you in accepting the other's ideas so, instead of expansion, these differences bring stagnation or apathy.

Practical considerations may go right out the window when making decisions and large-scale errors in judgment may be made, thus leading to failure instead of success. You seem to count on things before they have materialized and this leaves you somewhat disillusioned by the whole process. Failure can be realized in business, romance and gambling because of foolish optimism.

Another danger here is that you both may promise more to the relationship than you can deliver, thus leaving one of you feeling that the other is unreliable. Ego confrontations are also a part of the picture and difficulties may arise with authority figures such as parents. You may also go overboard with finances which results in loss. The two of you will tend to be very materialistic, extravagant and arrogant, spending money on useless items just for the sake of show. These actions will eventually show you the error of your ways.

If you are not careful, there can be minor brushes with the law so you would be well advised to keep your noses clean.

miss ya...

my old yellow Staples 0.5 mm mechanical pencil! You're lost somewhere in the car or in the E*Trade room. I kind of want to find you but at the same time I kind of don't; you see, by the time I find you, you're probably tainted with someone else's germs. You were special cuz you were a virgin like that. You were also special cuz you were the prettiest color in the assorted colors box.
I'm kind of glad that Staples sells your color by the dozen; it's a safe bet that they recognize your beauty too. So I pulled out your sibling to replace you but it ain't just the same; it doesn't have that smudged and ragged eraser that I used relentlessly playing Sudoku, and it just looks too damn brand-new; it's just not you. It feels like a stranger, too unfamiliar and cold.

It's very weird that I feel this way cuz I had no problem replacing your relative, the Staples white plastic eraser. Maybe it would have helped if I accidentally dropped you in a public toilet; I wouldn't be missing you so much.

reflection

I hope when I'm 56, I'll be with someone I love. It wouldn't matter whether I'm married to that person; I just don't want to be like her -- watching soaps, living vicariously through made-up characters just because she chose money over love.

It's not like I can't understand but I can't help feeling angry. It's one thing to live with a choice; it's postively unforgivable if you make others suffer for it -- especially your own children. To be honest, I'm not sure she wants her children to fare well in love; probably cuz she'll be jealous and can't stand the fact that she was dealt with an "unfair" hand in regards to her life.

If I can't find love in my lifetime, I hope I'll at least find success in something else.

the christmas miracle

I know Jesus is real because something happened on Xmas night; never occurs on any day of the year.

We were pulled together as a family; gathered together for a family meeting about overcoming a common obstacle -- the damn super. By then, everyone had it with the pesky, troublesome, and unscrupulous rat whose extortion attempts were getting out of control.

I think God stirred something in that bastard's heart to pound on our door in the middle of the night -- on the Eve. I think God wanted our family to somehow remain intact and functional through some sort of adversity.

But Lord, I don't know if it'll work. As you know, nothing lasts on this planet and human love is no exception. But it was nice; for a fleeting moment that I will never forget and maybe that's what you wanted to do -- to give us a glimpse of what you really had in mind when it comes to family.

so strange and creepy

The other day I had this sort of deja vu moment, except that this time, I'm pretty darn positive that it didn't happen in my dreams first: I'm opening the hatchback and it occurred to me that I visioned this moment where I would touch the handle and remember an old lady's face and a mixed-grain rice package.

It's just so weird and disturbing that sometimes I wonder why I have these moments, and usually they're not good things. For example, I saw Dodook and Ramen in my dreams, on top of me, just about to enter me. I even saw my unhappy self working at the Rocawear-wannabe company.

I once told Ali of my deja vus and she just looked at me funny.

I'm not making these up but if it's a gift, it's kind of a useless one if ya ask me. What's the point of seeing (bad) things in the future, when it'll happen anyway despite all your precautions?

Is Christianity misogynistic?

Black Writers in America (released 2005) introduced me to Ishmael Reed. One of the things he said that struck me was: that Christianity is misogynistic. Reed quoted the New Testament that instructed women to be submissive, and examples from the Old Testament that cited "legal" reasons. The first reaction I had was whether this is true.

When I think of Christianity, Chaengpi pops into my head. And what Chaengpi wrote recently -- about being outraged that his church nominated a Pentecostal woman as the head of the church's education department -- dismayed me. I don't pretend to know what Pentecostalism is about but why would that raise an objection? Furthermore, is he objecting to the fact that it's a woman?

Many pastors protest that the Bible immediately follows up the instruction with: men should love their wives. But this doesn't explain why the Bible doesn't instruct men to submit instead or that wives should love their husbands as they would love themselves.

The fact that Reed created a momentum where I'm feeling troubled and perplexed about what I've grown to know as "the religion," makes me wonder if I had an unrealistic and air-brushed conception of Christianity when in fact it's pretty fucked up. Some may laugh at my belated epiphany, but can't you see that I'm devastated? Reaffirming that nothing is sacred just eliminates another establishment that I can seek shelter from being weary.

Perhaps Reed is onto something when he said that true faith or religion is inside you. The peace that the world cannot give is the inner one. I really want to know what's out there that can help me deal.