to better days

One whole month before turning 30... I've been waiting for this moment for so long that I just want to get it over with. Summer skool will provide a nice distraction and the month will go by fast. Wish my Memorial Day Weekend was more fun but hey, shopping can always compensate for my lack of happiness -- er, fun.

I used to think people were lying when they'd tell me they're 29; I thought they were trying to hide their real age -- whether it'd be 30 or older. In my case, I'd get shocked looks cuz they thought I was much younger. So being 29 wasn't a drag, being pawed all over by a cute young 'un 'n all. But I also got too carried away and ended up being hurt too. It was sort of like riding a bike again and falling down -- again.

I want to be intimate with someone again but I'm afraid the pond I'm in doesn't have too many fish:
Friendster Horoscope for May 27, 2007
Cancer (Jun 22 - Jul 22)
The Bottom Line: Still getting a lot less than you're putting in? It may be time to cut bait.
In Detail: If you're still getting a lot less out of a long-term project (or relationship) than you're putting in, it may be time to admit that you're going to have to end things. You can't waste your precious resources forever. Cut bait, row your boat over to another part of the sea, and start fishing in some fresh waters. You may feel as though you're starting all over again -- but you're starting with a lot more wisdom.

need change

I hope life gets better starting today.

I hope I show full appreciation, when I can, to people who matter and I hope I meet people who think of me the same.
I hope I can meet more friends than foes; it's so easy for people to turn against you.

I hope I can cope better in this new environment; I hope I can adjust to loneliness better.

I hope I can be more mindful of creating productive days; I hope I wake up determined to achieve goals, especially since I don't have much accountability.

I hope I don't forget these affirmations.

at my wit's end

How is it possible that I miss someone who's not into me? Someone I don't even know well? If I stayed longer, I would have felt so lonely. So there's no desire to be back together but I don't want to cut him off entirely. I don't understand this when there's not much for me to gain; especially now since there's even less, cuz we're friends. Someone talk some sense into me. I don't fully understand this.

hey, he is a pig after all!

Me (10:19:06 PM): u're a player

Me (10:19:14 PM): it's not enough there's one girl waiting for u

Me (10:19:21 PM): u've gotta diversify

Jae (10:20:30 PM): well girls do teh same, so i don't see the problem here

Me (10:20:03 PM): yeah well u're my brother

Jae (10:21:00 PM): but if i'm in a relationship, of course i wouldn't do this

Me (10:20:26 PM): well, i don't blame u

Me (10:20:37 PM): it just sounded like u were forming a portfolio

And he was, da little fucker! I guess I'm not so mad at him as much as the fact that he's human just like the rest of 'em. Today, in my eyes, he has become a man, like the rest of y'all and I didn't feel so good helping out an asshole like him; I feel like I'm betraying my gender. This just makes me sad. I had certain expectations about him and now I'm disappointed; he's not the baby brother I knew anymore.

I'm always gonna be on his side no matter what -- and I hope he will reciprocate the same -- but this sucks.

jae's a good thing

It's so easy to get self-absorbed and lost in your own "problems." When Jae expressed his anxiety and obsession about a new girl he came across Facebook, listening to the giddy boy mitigated my loneliness; he was asking me everything from what the next step would be, etc. I don't think I need to date again as much as surrounding myself with people. I think the lack of human contact exacerbated the situation; the social tank was apparently empty. Of course, one can feel so alone even though she's surrounded by a mass of people, but I think what made it different was the person -- someone I care about or someone who cares about me. It's good to have a sibling like him.

sex, sex, SEX!

I don't necessarily miss him but images of intimate moments with him pop up from time to time. But, let's face it; as sweet as those moments were, he lost interest. That is why he doesn't care if I were to be with another guy. He even told me that eventually I wouldn't even want to kiss him. So you see, he was feeling guilty about his ulterior motives and wanted out; and he just happens to be one of those people who are compulsive about ending things well with their exs.

This makes me sad cuz it reaffirms my suspicion that: younger guys are into older women cuz such are, from their point of view, low maintenance. These are lazy and selfish boys. I think it's sad that he used his busy musician life as an excuse as to "the why." It would have been better if he told me that he's just not into me anymore.

But having been burnt by a boy or man doesn't put a damper on the sex drive. Yes, I crave it but not necessarily with him. He was good in bed but eventually you stop desiring someone who rejected you, who doesn't reciprocate your feelings. Rather, I'm talking about maintaining a good momentum that he helped create. You have no idea how wistfully I gawk at Excedrin Man. I seriously wanna do him or anybody who's decent -- or so I say...

bury me in ur arms

It dawned on me that I attract crazies. I thought he was the most grounded person but how can a "grounded" person be so inconsiderate and thoughtless to a friend of mine? Why do I look at 'em with such rose-colored glasses when they're so obviously socially challenged? They all tell me that in reality, they're introverts; and it's me who's bringing 'em out to play. Somehow, I have the ability to draw people out of their comfort zones and interact with me. And because I end up with 'em, I am therefore romantically challenged over and over again. Why don't I believe 'em when they tell me they usually don't even talk to girls? I think the allure was the difference; they were all unique and fascinatingly different from me.

But it all goes downhill; he became insecure because of me. Something about me brings out the worst in people as if they want to strip me of anything good. Will I ever meet someone confident, who can see that they don't have to be defensive? What can little ole me do?

Now that I'm back to my good ole cynical self, weary of people, there seems to be a return of normalcy -- my world sucks. It's slightly different than B.E. (before E), since supposedly he's now in my world. Every time I try to push him away, he leans in. And when I try to do the same, he retreats. Bastard. The boy plays games too much and I'm getting tired of it.

I kinda want to just call it quits; it's just too cold out there.