hey

Being nice has gotten me nowhere. I'm 29 and what do I have?
I supported my family and they think it's chump change.
I tried to wait for Mr. Right and I got dicks.
I tried to devote myself to church and they tried to make me their slave.

The only institution that hasn't blown me off is school. And school has been nothing but cool. I miss being in school. I miss studying. Of course, I don't miss the pressure to meet deadlines but I like learning. Maybe I should just bury myself in academics. It may be just a blow-up doll but hey, maybe it's better than those things we call humans.

Maybe I just have misandry. No, I hate women too. They're like cats. They only stick around when they need you and they play solo. So I have misanthropy, and I hate that there's nowhere to escape from all the madness that happens.

I hate life and what it hurls at you unexpectedly all the time. I just want to die; I've lost so many opportunities and I've made so many dumb decisions. I really don't know what's the point of dragging this show on, God. Can't I expire when I'm still decent-looking? Does this have to get ugly? Is that why you gave me life? So I can suffer? Yep, I need to suffer cuz otherwise, I'd never know my place. My shitty parents think I don't know my place so why would you think otherwise? Every shit head in this family wants to teach me a lesson, so I'm sure you want to too.

Sorry I'm not feeling grateful here. Ya see, I'm not made out to feel anything but bitterness; I can't take hardship or illnesses. Ya see, you've built me weak. And I'm sure the devil and you are having this behind-the-scenes conversation about how I gave in and am cursing you out. By the way, maybe that conversation about Job you had with that snake shouldn't have been published; it really doesn't show you in a favorable light. In fact, it makes you look pretty cruel, agreeing to a bet like that. Is this what's ahead? Making me feel like shit again, making me realize how I'm nothing? Let me save you the trouble: I KNOW I AM N-O-T-H-I-N-G. You've made damn sure I don't forget it through the microcosm known as my life; I've got my parents playing you and demonstrating how I don't mean shit. O yea, I've got sexism and racism working against me. Some say sex sells, it's the millennium but it hasn't done me much good. I know I turn heads but ya see, I'm not hot enough.

O, and let's talk ignorance, the spawn of ignorance I was born into. Thanks for giving me "educated" parents but they might as well never have gone to college cuz their minds are eyes-wide-shut. Maybe it would have been better if I never got to see how other people are doing better than me; it's cruel to let a Third-World person taste First-World goods and then banish 'em from ever setting foot in the candy store again. So while I'm back in the ghetto, with images of the sweet stuff dancing in my head, it's plain to see that I've turned into something really sad -- pathethic, actually. You might as well have written addiction into my DNA while you were at it.

So can you give me a break and let me be the envy of all those assholes out there? I'm pretty sure I'll be penniless and alone when my time comes but I'd like to change the outcome if there's still a chance. Or maybe you can off me now while I'm less bitter. But then again, I'm sure when we meet, you'll have nothing but negative things to say about me and all I can say is: "Like everyone else before, I'm just riding the togatails of Jesus."

Can we get this over with? Unlucky in life and love; I get it. I don't need more time to realize this, nor do I want to see this unfold in front of my eyes. Haven't I seen enough?