lost and found...

in my backpack! Oh, I love you my sweet, sweet yellow mechanical pencil! We're never, ever gonna be apart again (until I find no use for you anymore)! Oh, how I missed you so! Of course, I've put your sibling away, back in the ugly assorted colors box. Now, let's go make academic love!

miss ya...

my old yellow Staples 0.5 mm mechanical pencil! You're lost somewhere in the car or in the E*Trade room. I kind of want to find you but at the same time I kind of don't; you see, by the time I find you, you're probably tainted with someone else's germs. You were special cuz you were a virgin like that. You were also special cuz you were the prettiest color in the assorted colors box.
I'm kind of glad that Staples sells your color by the dozen; it's a safe bet that they recognize your beauty too. So I pulled out your sibling to replace you but it ain't just the same; it doesn't have that smudged and ragged eraser that I used relentlessly playing Sudoku, and it just looks too damn brand-new; it's just not you. It feels like a stranger, too unfamiliar and cold.

It's very weird that I feel this way cuz I had no problem replacing your relative, the Staples white plastic eraser. Maybe it would have helped if I accidentally dropped you in a public toilet; I wouldn't be missing you so much.

reflection

I hope when I'm 56, I'll be with someone I love. It wouldn't matter whether I'm married to that person; I just don't want to be like her -- watching soaps, living vicariously through made-up characters just because she chose money over love.

It's not like I can't understand but I can't help feeling angry. It's one thing to live with a choice; it's postively unforgivable if you make others suffer for it -- especially your own children. To be honest, I'm not sure she wants her children to fare well in love; probably cuz she'll be jealous and can't stand the fact that she was dealt with an "unfair" hand in regards to her life.

If I can't find love in my lifetime, I hope I'll at least find success in something else.

as an outsider...

I'm trying to understand but I can't. She doesn't want to let go of Peter and she doesn't want anybody to date Doc. She's got a plank in her eye and she keeps yammering about specks in others. Frankly, I rather have her leave Peter so he can at least be with someone who'd be willing to commit. But I gave her my word that I'd be on her side, no matter what. If only Doc showed some sign that he's interested in her... But Doc is one flirtatious fiend, leading on PN (Prostitute Name aka Yoohoo's sister). I can't even blame it all on Doc cuz everyone's participating.

I don't like witnessing people being so treacherous to each other. It makes me sad; really sad. They're decent people and I don't feel like hanging out with 'em anymore.

the flow

and on the 9th day, i bled. but i can't remember the one in december.

tears

it's ok to cry; sometimes you just need a release.

what's in a name

I was given a gender-neutral name because a fortune teller had told my parents that I would become famous; and what better name for a 여사[女史]?

But I realized today that the fortune teller probably failed to mention a minor detail: that when a 여사 keeps her maiden last name, it usually means that she's alone -- single, unmarried, divorced, etc.

What am I saying? It just dawned on me recently that I may never get married or meet someone. This does not mean I'm being pessimistic; I'm sure I will encounter various people but it does not mean that they'll stick around. In fact, I'm not so sure if marriage is part of "the plan."

I doubt that I'll become famous but that fortune teller is right about me as a 여사. I just hope that I'll adjust better to this lifestyle. Deep down, inside, I know I will. I've seen one myself to know that I'll be ok. I think she was in my life to assure me that I have little to be afraid; she has fared well and will continue to.

Surprisingly, she told me once that I should never follow her path, and discouraged me to attempt her lifestyle. But I think she tried so hard dissuading me because she knew I would face, if not the same, a similar fate. Not because I didn't exhaust all options, it's just that maybe it wasn't -- and I hate to say this because I believe in choices -- my purpose.

I just think it'd be easier on me if I just let go of that fantasy -- finding that wonderful someone. And learn, rather to become that independent individual, living up to her name.

the acceptance of risk

I've kind of said this about Yul, and I've said similar things before, but to me, one of the things that makes a good Survivor player is acceptance of risk, in the sense that you can't constantly play as if you can definitely avoid losing. It's sort of what Probst means about big moves, but it isn't always flashy moves. It's exactly the playing of probabilities, and this group did it really well. Think about that time on Palau where Tom and Ian were willing to draw rocks if they needed to in order to boot Gregg before he came after them. The acceptance of that risk made it possible for them to avoid disaster. If you aren't willing to risk anything, you don't have any cards to play, really. By approaching Jonathan to flip and revealing that he had the idol, Yul risked having Jonathan tell Raro that he had it, which wasn't what he wanted at all at that moment. Bad players are frozen by that knowledge, and they remain inactive as if inactivity carries no risk, when in fact, it carries enormous risk. You have to be good at weighing the risk of doing something against the risk of doing nothing, and most people are only good at weighing the risks of doing various things, and if all those risks are identifiable, then they don't do anything.

to all you crazy muthas out there...

mommy dearest is a bitch
mommy dearest will never quit
mommy dearest ain't really mommy.