at ebb

And just like that, in a month, those waves of feelings that rushed in are retreating back to their origin; it was a nice ride. I enjoyed it very much, thank you. I'm not so sure if I'm mad at the object of my affection as much as at myself. After all, I allowed myself to plunge in, feel the water.

He's a busy guy who doesn't like to talk on the phone. Of course, I gave him alternative means to contact me but he's not interested in anything other than face-to-face. I could be the better person, understanding 'n all. But I don't want to. At this age, I know what I want and don't have much patience and time for things to happen.

I also know that his laptop and navigator got stolen but he doesn't let me in, involve me in his life. Maybe I pissed him off when he was feeling vulnerable. In any case, he knew that I understood his hectic life. He knew that I wanted to be supportive of him; he knew how I felt. I never played any games. The ball was always in his court. I miss the chase; I miss when he was so into me.

"A relationship never ends," Rosamund Zander told her husband once. It may have been a tactic to make him stay in a difficult time. But to him, these words ignited a spark within to work on his marriage.

Even if we eventually lose contact, he'll always be remembered. I'm just frustrated that despite a month, I still don't know him very well.

miss u

I’m lost without u
Can’t help myself
How does it feel
To know that I love u baby

Tell me how u love me more
And how u think I’m sexy baby
That u don’t want nobody else
U don’t want this guy, u don’t want that guy, u wanna
Touch yourself when u see me
Tell me how u love my body
And how I make u feel baby

U wanna roll with me, u wanna hold with me
U wanna stay warm and get out of the cold with me
I just love 2 hear u say it
It makes a man feel good baby
Tell me u depend on me
I need to hear it

trouble in paradise

How young is too young?
Maybe he is too young.
I want to make this work but I'm also wondering if it's wise to do so.

He seems to have difficulty receiving stuff from me or even me paying for him.
And tonight, his words colored in his every ounce of pride, in every fiber of his being.
Am I making him feel bad about himself?
I thought I was making him feel good.
Are we better off without each other?
Is it too late?
Are we in a bit too deep?
Too intricately linked?
Are the only options to delve further or rip apart ourselves from each other?

He makes me melt and I miss being with him.
But, someone please remind me what we have in common.
We may be just too different.

vulnerable yet determined

I'm at my best when I'm lonely and hungry for success.
But after a reprieve, it's kind of hard, making me a bit teary to get back on my feet alone.
I know he (or anybody for that matter) can't be there for me, take my hand and guide me to where I need to go; I must walk alone and see this through.
Soon, I'll see the door and find out what's behind it.

love locked out

a la Bill Henderson:

Love locked out in all the cold and rain,
Love locked out may never come again,
Love locked out and weeping bitter tears,
But no one ever hears love calling.
Though we need the precious gift it brings,
We don't heed the song of love it sings,
On the door love beats its tiny wings,
Just love locked out.
A world without love is a world without life,
A sad world full of gloom,
So please make a place there for love in your heart,
It does not need much room.
Love is well worth the waiting for,
When it comes knocking at your door,
Fling it wide, for love locked out will come
No more, no more.

When can I see you again?

When can my heart beat again
When does the pain ever end
When do the tears stop from running over
When does “you'll get over it” begin
I hear what you're saying
But I swear that it's not making sense
So when can I see you

When can I see you again
When can my heart beat again
When can I see you again
When can I breathe once again
And when can I see you

When does my "someday" begin
When I'll find someone again
And what if I still am not truly over
What am I supposed to do then, babe...
Do you see what I'm saying
Even if, if it's not making sense
So when can I see you

When can I see you again
When can my heart beat again
When can I see you again
And when can I breathe once again
And when can I see you... again

Yeah, baby
Do you see what I'm saying
Even if, if it's not making sense, baby
So when can I see you again

When can I see you again
Can my heart beat again, baby
When can I see you again
And when can I breathe once again
And when can I see, babe, again

Wanna see you again
Again...

relationship potential

SECTION I: How j Relates to Other People

Sun Trine Uranus with an orb between 1/2 and 1 degree:
You have a unique view of life and have been fortunate in finding friends and partners with whom you can share it. Your relationships will be most successful when you also have in your life an interest, goal or project which absorbs both of you equally.

Sun Square Pluto with an orb between 1 and 3 degrees:
Power struggles plague your relationships. Either you become the dominant partner out of a fear of being controlled or you become very passive, controlling indirectly through guilt or manipulation. Your father may have been emotionally abusive to you.

Mercury Square Pluto with an orb between 1 and 3 degrees:
You're not awfully good at being disagreed with. You delve into matters, think them through thoroughly and expect your conclusions to be universally shared. Flexibility is not your strong suit. No one should try to lie to you or keep things from you. Somehow you ferret out others' secrets although you keep your own.

Mars Square Saturn with an orb between 1 and 3 degrees:
Your emotional needs were not met when you were growing up and there was nothing you could do about it. Even today, you tend not to express anger or pain or resentment except when you are in an infrequent rage. This is a problem in close relationships.

Mercury Trine Uranus with an orb between 1 and 3 degrees:
You have an innovative turn of mind and may have a talent for an unusual subject. Your ideas are often considered to be ahead of your time. You can be somewhat impersonal and detached - even with close ties. You need to share controversial ideas with friends.

Sun SemiSquare Venus with an orb of less than 1 degree:
Your love nature is very turbulent. You form relationships impulsively and then worry it's with the wrong person. There seems to be a dichotomy between the person you know yourself to be and the person you feel you should be in order to be valued and loved.

Mercury SemiSquare Venus with an orb of less than 1 degree:
Your love nature is rather turbulent. When you fall in love, you can't think of anything else. You are drawn to people whose ideas are often different from your own. Once you're emotionally hooked you worry about compatibility. Perspective can be a problem.


SECTION II: How e Relates to Other People

Mercury Square Pluto with an orb between 1 and 3 degrees:
You're not awfully good at being disagreed with. You delve into matters, think them through thoroughly and expect your conclusions to be universally shared. Flexibility is not your strong suit. No one should try to lie to you or keep things from you. Somehow you ferret out others' secrets although you keep your own.

Mars Sesquiquadrate Saturn with an orb of less than 1 degree:
Your emotional needs were not met when you were growing up and there was nothing you could do about it. Even today, you tend not to express anger or pain or resentment except when you are in an infrequent rage. This is a problem in close relationships.

Venus Conjunct Mars with an orb between 3 and 5 degrees:
Yours was not a happy childhood and, while there is nothing you want more than a close love relationship, you may also fear it. You probably have an active sex life but may have some discomfort acknowledging feelings of love, dependence or vulnerability.

danger: expanding egos

You have great faith in each other and you inspire, encourage and cheer each other on with great exuberance. The problem here, though, may be that your hopes for each other are unrealistic and that reality isn't met by your visionary expectations, even though an aura of confidence and positive affirmations surround you. You may spend a great deal of time, energy and money in your quests and you may travel a great deal because of internal restlessness, but your plans are apt to not work out.

Religion, education, and philosophy are interests that you share, but the difficulty may lie in that there are differences between you in accepting the other's ideas so, instead of expansion, these differences bring stagnation or apathy.

Practical considerations may go right out the window when making decisions and large-scale errors in judgment may be made, thus leading to failure instead of success. You seem to count on things before they have materialized and this leaves you somewhat disillusioned by the whole process. Failure can be realized in business, romance and gambling because of foolish optimism.

Another danger here is that you both may promise more to the relationship than you can deliver, thus leaving one of you feeling that the other is unreliable. Ego confrontations are also a part of the picture and difficulties may arise with authority figures such as parents. You may also go overboard with finances which results in loss. The two of you will tend to be very materialistic, extravagant and arrogant, spending money on useless items just for the sake of show. These actions will eventually show you the error of your ways.

If you are not careful, there can be minor brushes with the law so you would be well advised to keep your noses clean.

like, riding a bike again – sorta.

Well, it’s not like we’re 10 years apart. But he is indeed the youngest by far. He didn’t come on too strong but he’d feel my hands a lot, try to put his arm around my waist, etc. The good news is he didn’t try to kiss me – yet. I don’t know; Maybe I was too optimistic but I was hoping we’d be friends and hang out. I don’t think he’s interested in that.

Dear God, I know I wanted sex but I'm not too sure I want it with him. He is cute but he doesn't make me feel younger. He stares at me quite intensely and it makes me even more cautious of how to behave around him. I'm not sure if this is such a good idea, even for a fling. Shit, it shouldn't be so complicated if I just want fun. But it looks like I'm starting to warm up to him; I felt an electrifying jolt when he kissed my hand. And he is so interesting, probably more mature than all the dicks I've had.

I don't know, dunno.

But:
Real men want women of any age who like them, who want to make them feel good and who raise their testosterone level.
If this is true, I should just let go of my inhibitions and see it through.