sex, sex, SEX!

I don't necessarily miss him but images of intimate moments with him pop up from time to time. But, let's face it; as sweet as those moments were, he lost interest. That is why he doesn't care if I were to be with another guy. He even told me that eventually I wouldn't even want to kiss him. So you see, he was feeling guilty about his ulterior motives and wanted out; and he just happens to be one of those people who are compulsive about ending things well with their exs.

This makes me sad cuz it reaffirms my suspicion that: younger guys are into older women cuz such are, from their point of view, low maintenance. These are lazy and selfish boys. I think it's sad that he used his busy musician life as an excuse as to "the why." It would have been better if he told me that he's just not into me anymore.

But having been burnt by a boy or man doesn't put a damper on the sex drive. Yes, I crave it but not necessarily with him. He was good in bed but eventually you stop desiring someone who rejected you, who doesn't reciprocate your feelings. Rather, I'm talking about maintaining a good momentum that he helped create. You have no idea how wistfully I gawk at Excedrin Man. I seriously wanna do him or anybody who's decent -- or so I say...

bury me in ur arms

It dawned on me that I attract crazies. I thought he was the most grounded person but how can a "grounded" person be so inconsiderate and thoughtless to a friend of mine? Why do I look at 'em with such rose-colored glasses when they're so obviously socially challenged? They all tell me that in reality, they're introverts; and it's me who's bringing 'em out to play. Somehow, I have the ability to draw people out of their comfort zones and interact with me. And because I end up with 'em, I am therefore romantically challenged over and over again. Why don't I believe 'em when they tell me they usually don't even talk to girls? I think the allure was the difference; they were all unique and fascinatingly different from me.

But it all goes downhill; he became insecure because of me. Something about me brings out the worst in people as if they want to strip me of anything good. Will I ever meet someone confident, who can see that they don't have to be defensive? What can little ole me do?

Now that I'm back to my good ole cynical self, weary of people, there seems to be a return of normalcy -- my world sucks. It's slightly different than B.E. (before E), since supposedly he's now in my world. Every time I try to push him away, he leans in. And when I try to do the same, he retreats. Bastard. The boy plays games too much and I'm getting tired of it.

I kinda want to just call it quits; it's just too cold out there.

defeated

I like watching figure skaters in competition; it reminds me of a school setting. Everyone's there to get a medal or good grades but it ain't easy. Either we get in our own way or we ain't just good enough for the gold. But, watching the competition reminds me that we all have potential; it's fair game.

The judges groan in disappointment when their darling skater fails to make that jump she needs. And she will have to face the consequences. We all respond and react differently but Kimmie Meissner watched stoically as Miki Ando claimed the gold. Sometimes I was Ando and most of the time, I was in Meissner's shoes. Sometimes I'd scream in exasperation and sometimes it'd be like an out-of-body experience, watching things happening around me. I doubt that Meissner was happy for Ando; she probably felt defeated.

I think the best way to approach the haze and confusion is to accept that humans just use and get used. There was something in it for me to do things that'd ultimately hurt me. I hope I can cut myself off; I hope I can be strong.

you say goodbye, i say hello

As obvious as this may sound, when things start losing meaning, they become insignificant. I wish he had done this earlier; being transparent about his loss of interest in me and that's why it was easy for him to cut it off. But then again, when people give reasons of why it has to end, they never really do tell the truth. He'll never be able to tell me that he likes me, but not that much. And I'll never be able to tell him that I never saw a future with him; that I was very horny at the time and the sex happened to get better.

It's hard to hold onto his word that we'll be good friends; it's hard when I can't trust him anymore. When there's no action following through, I can't believe that our friendship will materialize. Intentionally or not, he's making it easier for me to hate him and move on. I'm sorry, but I tried and you just didn't; you're just inconsiderate. There's no other way to look at it but that you didn't know what you were saying when you offered friendship; then again, guys never know what they're doing until it's too late.

I doubt that I'll get involved with someone younger again, or even meet anyone from school. I don't think I'll even meet any friends; it's gonna be pretty lonely. I hope getting a car will fill a void by going to places. I hope I'll be strong enough to keep going; I'm kinda tired, ya know. And I think he's kissing a girl right now; I'm so sure that it hurts.

longings?

Sometimes I wake up thinking about you; it's weird. I make no effort in trying to forget you or try to remember you; yet it's been happening frequently. It's been less than a week since I heard from you but it feels like as if a month has passed by.

I still get startled or my heart starts racing when I see a Jeep. But I don't mourn us anymore; Us was fleeting to begin with and us is no longer tangible -- the images are fading and so are the memories. I find myself trying harder to remember now; to a point that I regret not documenting everything, especially the good ones. Maybe it's cuz I've been too busy and I thank God for that focused preoccupation -- my saving grace in helping me get through. Yet, I don't hate you; at least for now.

don't fuck with me, boy!

I have no respect for any guy who sings along to Justin Timberlake's "What Goes Around." And he gave it his all doing his falsetto. That so-called graduate student or as I'd like call him Lil' Chili, has aggression problems.

meant to be friends?

By Monday afternoon, I thought I was doing alright. I had my "change of scenery" with the campus-wide power outage on Sunday afternoon. The sudden interruption was my shaved head and weird earring; topping that was being nourished by home-cooked goodness -- so comforting. Also, verbalizing my feelings with AJ was a great cathartic release; I felt recharged and ready to take on life again with my relatively E-free weekend.

I guess I should have realized that avoidance wasn't the solution when I saw a poor man's clone of him in the cafeteria.

It was just unforgettable when I saw his photogenic ID card Monday night; when I was signing in for a practice room. Of all the cards, why was his placed there? Right where I would put it? And today, I saw his stupid car with his blaring bumper sticker at the foot of the walkway to the last Society lecture. Does he usually park there? Is this all coincidental? This is just as confusing and foggy as the weekend or the rut I was in, trying to get over him. It's like as if he just parked himself in my head and took all the space he can, crowding my thoughts. I tried to shake it off but he appeared again in the Society folder with his recital flyer. But, the ultimate exasperation was when the stupid security guard took a break and I ended up staring at the jazz bulletin board and the first thing that catches my eye is his lost notice for his bow. So I sighed and accepted it as fate that he should be back in my cell phonebook. In a way, I feel like at least for this week, he's not gonna go away until I write him back. So listen, I'll write you as soon as I hear from that stupid Management professor, 'kay?

casting call, i think

Everyday is getting worse
Do the same things and it hurts
I don't know if I should cry
All I know is that I'm tryin'
I wanna believe in you
I wanna believe in you
But you make it so hard to do

So why can't you be
Be good to me

I don't ask for much
All I want is love
Someone to see
That's all I need
Somebody to be
Somebody to be
Somebody to be
Good to me
Good to me
Can you be good to me
Good to me
Please

I used to think I had it all
Then one day we hit a wall
I had hoped you were the one
Where's my dream, where has it gone
I wanted to be with you
Forever just me and you

So why can't you be
Be good to me

I don't ask for much
All I want is love

Where do I go from here
You've gotten under my skin
And I don't know how
To get out of this place that I'm in

what was that all about?

I wasn't sure what I was going to say. But as soon as I saw him, I knew it was over. Instead of words, tears started to stream out. An overwhelming sadness was about to drown me and it got worse when I turned to see his face. I may not have realized at that moment but unconsciouly I knew and he definitely knew that I was going to be a weight in his life, eventually a resentment because he can never be the person I want. At the moment, I thought it was a beautiful sadness. Now, I'm not too sure. Maybe it was but all I feel now is anger, restlessness, and betrayral. I'm so mad with myself for... No, I don't regret anything. I enjoyed every moment I had with him but this sucks. This feeling of rejection, whether it's good for me in the long run. Nobody wants to be rejected for any reason.

But I will keep my distance because I'm not helping him or myself. I need to get over him ASAP and if I can, be a good friend to him so he can in return, do the same; he owes me. He owes me friendship cuz he could not be who I had in mind. He should be sorry that he didn't know better; he's going to realize later on, "What the hell was I thinking? I was so immature!" He's going to realize that his day-to-day outlook hurt someone nice, whether intentionally or unintentionally; that his selfishness tainted the beautiful butterfly he met.

She will fly again but she's screaming blood and murder during the recovery. She hates recoveries.