i can't believe she's a doctor

Chris Wragge: They can declare the air safe but as people, still little hesitant about walking around without those masks, I mean do you recommend keeping the masks on anyway even though they've given the go-ahead?

Dr. Stupid Phillips: Well, they certainly don't harm anything. And it's always better to be safe than sorry. Also, just because asbestos is in the air, that doesn't mean just regular dump and soot that could have been released in the blast couldn't cause people some difficulties.

Kristine Johnson: Not a bad idea just to wear one then.

Yes, Phillips would certainly wear one. But she just won't tell you that. I swear, she looks and talks like a governmental robot.

no more crappy b-days

Next year, be anywhere but home. Remember, they'll try to coerce you into eating food you don't even crave for; they'll assume they know everything about you. They won't even bother to ask you what it is you want to do on your own birthday; they're insane like that. They won't allow you to enjoy that one day of the year because your birthday is just an excuse to get what they want. Next year, you're gonna be eating a pretty cake like shown here and drinking great beer. 30 crappy birthdays is enough.

you disappoint me, fast-poo

You're getting smaller, saltier, and more expensive. For example, there's nothing big about a Big Mac. What's up with that? I remember a time when finishing half of a Big Mac was a great feat for me and the damn sandwich lived up to its given name. Now, with a fat and calorie-conscious country, not only do you get less for what you pay for, everything's so damn expensive. Ya see, those idiots at corporate realized that the only way they can make their products socially responsible is to reduce the size; voila, you've got nutritional calories that won't instigate lawsuits from fat people who wanna blame everyone but themselves for their obesity. Now, thankfully the dollar or 99-cent menu is available. A $1.49 Junior cheeseburger deluxe at Wendy's is more affordable than your usual fastfood joint but you can't keep eating those forever.

i want a gay BFF so I can cry on his shoulder...

When you do busy work, say dish washing, thoughts dawn on you: I think it's sad that I haven't met anyone who loved me, not just parts of me. It's even sadder when you're turning 30. I've spent all this time on this planet and I've got nothing to show for. I'm not asking for a marriage; just a great relationship, that great love. Just so in love, truly, deeply, madly...

Anything that resembled a little bit of that was probably in high school. It was hard to articulate the feelings but what else can motivate a guy to write so many pages of lovely letters, and a girl to talk to him on the phone forever? It was pure and innocent; and it will never ever be like that again. You'd be doing yourself a favor by telling him, "I don't believe you." Cuz there's no reason to trust him -- at all. Nobody tied you to him, you tied yourself to him, girlie. You tied yourself to guys who just didn't love you.

So 20 more years until I croak. Let's just throw myself at building me a sand castle. Shall we?

coexisting with the past

I want things I can't have. I wish there was a manual override on emotions; I kind of wish I don't feel anymore. Maybe that's the key; just shut down that part of myself until I feel safe. I need to just hold my breath; it ain't time yet to surface for air. I'll preoccupy myself with crossing off the to-do lists and finishing off books that have been gathering dust...


You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

You are such a fool
To worry like you do.. Oh
I know it's tough
And you can never get enough
Of what you don't really need now
My, oh my

Oh love, look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm 'til you discover how deep
I wasn't jumping, for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along this stony pass

It's just a moment
This time will pass

the real price for stuff

I think Mum would rather keep buying me stuff than divorce the bastard. And I can't even reject the stuff; it's thrown at me. After that, I'm expected to perform the duty whether I like it or not. I have no say in the matter and I must comply; otherwise, they will remind me of the stuff I never asked for. It all comes back to the stuff.

the blair decade

Have you seen it? Such pieces motivate me to read; to do my own investigating.

The final remark touched a nerve: Blair had the capacity to become a great prime minister but he fell "quite short of it." Like Blair, we overestimate our strengths and are unconsciously blind to our weaknesses; that's normal and we will all fall short. But what I see is not so much the exposed failure but the new bar. Blair may have not lived up to his full potential but he definitely raised expectations. As a prime minister, he took advantage of his relatively smaller footprint and fully pushed the envelope. I think that's what I'd like to achieve as well, challenging myself to produce. Accomplishments are beyond no doubt, great. However, the significance of these very things are that they erect milestones and elevate standards. Sometimes it doesn't take much to become the rising star but when you're in, be fabulous!

to better days

One whole month before turning 30... I've been waiting for this moment for so long that I just want to get it over with. Summer skool will provide a nice distraction and the month will go by fast. Wish my Memorial Day Weekend was more fun but hey, shopping can always compensate for my lack of happiness -- er, fun.

I used to think people were lying when they'd tell me they're 29; I thought they were trying to hide their real age -- whether it'd be 30 or older. In my case, I'd get shocked looks cuz they thought I was much younger. So being 29 wasn't a drag, being pawed all over by a cute young 'un 'n all. But I also got too carried away and ended up being hurt too. It was sort of like riding a bike again and falling down -- again.

I want to be intimate with someone again but I'm afraid the pond I'm in doesn't have too many fish:
Friendster Horoscope for May 27, 2007
Cancer (Jun 22 - Jul 22)
The Bottom Line: Still getting a lot less than you're putting in? It may be time to cut bait.
In Detail: If you're still getting a lot less out of a long-term project (or relationship) than you're putting in, it may be time to admit that you're going to have to end things. You can't waste your precious resources forever. Cut bait, row your boat over to another part of the sea, and start fishing in some fresh waters. You may feel as though you're starting all over again -- but you're starting with a lot more wisdom.

need change

I hope life gets better starting today.

I hope I show full appreciation, when I can, to people who matter and I hope I meet people who think of me the same.
I hope I can meet more friends than foes; it's so easy for people to turn against you.

I hope I can cope better in this new environment; I hope I can adjust to loneliness better.

I hope I can be more mindful of creating productive days; I hope I wake up determined to achieve goals, especially since I don't have much accountability.

I hope I don't forget these affirmations.

at my wit's end

How is it possible that I miss someone who's not into me? Someone I don't even know well? If I stayed longer, I would have felt so lonely. So there's no desire to be back together but I don't want to cut him off entirely. I don't understand this when there's not much for me to gain; especially now since there's even less, cuz we're friends. Someone talk some sense into me. I don't fully understand this.

hey, he is a pig after all!

Me (10:19:06 PM): u're a player

Me (10:19:14 PM): it's not enough there's one girl waiting for u

Me (10:19:21 PM): u've gotta diversify

Jae (10:20:30 PM): well girls do teh same, so i don't see the problem here

Me (10:20:03 PM): yeah well u're my brother

Jae (10:21:00 PM): but if i'm in a relationship, of course i wouldn't do this

Me (10:20:26 PM): well, i don't blame u

Me (10:20:37 PM): it just sounded like u were forming a portfolio

And he was, da little fucker! I guess I'm not so mad at him as much as the fact that he's human just like the rest of 'em. Today, in my eyes, he has become a man, like the rest of y'all and I didn't feel so good helping out an asshole like him; I feel like I'm betraying my gender. This just makes me sad. I had certain expectations about him and now I'm disappointed; he's not the baby brother I knew anymore.

I'm always gonna be on his side no matter what -- and I hope he will reciprocate the same -- but this sucks.

jae's a good thing

It's so easy to get self-absorbed and lost in your own "problems." When Jae expressed his anxiety and obsession about a new girl he came across Facebook, listening to the giddy boy mitigated my loneliness; he was asking me everything from what the next step would be, etc. I don't think I need to date again as much as surrounding myself with people. I think the lack of human contact exacerbated the situation; the social tank was apparently empty. Of course, one can feel so alone even though she's surrounded by a mass of people, but I think what made it different was the person -- someone I care about or someone who cares about me. It's good to have a sibling like him.

sex, sex, SEX!

I don't necessarily miss him but images of intimate moments with him pop up from time to time. But, let's face it; as sweet as those moments were, he lost interest. That is why he doesn't care if I were to be with another guy. He even told me that eventually I wouldn't even want to kiss him. So you see, he was feeling guilty about his ulterior motives and wanted out; and he just happens to be one of those people who are compulsive about ending things well with their exs.

This makes me sad cuz it reaffirms my suspicion that: younger guys are into older women cuz such are, from their point of view, low maintenance. These are lazy and selfish boys. I think it's sad that he used his busy musician life as an excuse as to "the why." It would have been better if he told me that he's just not into me anymore.

But having been burnt by a boy or man doesn't put a damper on the sex drive. Yes, I crave it but not necessarily with him. He was good in bed but eventually you stop desiring someone who rejected you, who doesn't reciprocate your feelings. Rather, I'm talking about maintaining a good momentum that he helped create. You have no idea how wistfully I gawk at Excedrin Man. I seriously wanna do him or anybody who's decent -- or so I say...

bury me in ur arms

It dawned on me that I attract crazies. I thought he was the most grounded person but how can a "grounded" person be so inconsiderate and thoughtless to a friend of mine? Why do I look at 'em with such rose-colored glasses when they're so obviously socially challenged? They all tell me that in reality, they're introverts; and it's me who's bringing 'em out to play. Somehow, I have the ability to draw people out of their comfort zones and interact with me. And because I end up with 'em, I am therefore romantically challenged over and over again. Why don't I believe 'em when they tell me they usually don't even talk to girls? I think the allure was the difference; they were all unique and fascinatingly different from me.

But it all goes downhill; he became insecure because of me. Something about me brings out the worst in people as if they want to strip me of anything good. Will I ever meet someone confident, who can see that they don't have to be defensive? What can little ole me do?

Now that I'm back to my good ole cynical self, weary of people, there seems to be a return of normalcy -- my world sucks. It's slightly different than B.E. (before E), since supposedly he's now in my world. Every time I try to push him away, he leans in. And when I try to do the same, he retreats. Bastard. The boy plays games too much and I'm getting tired of it.

I kinda want to just call it quits; it's just too cold out there.

defeated

I like watching figure skaters in competition; it reminds me of a school setting. Everyone's there to get a medal or good grades but it ain't easy. Either we get in our own way or we ain't just good enough for the gold. But, watching the competition reminds me that we all have potential; it's fair game.

The judges groan in disappointment when their darling skater fails to make that jump she needs. And she will have to face the consequences. We all respond and react differently but Kimmie Meissner watched stoically as Miki Ando claimed the gold. Sometimes I was Ando and most of the time, I was in Meissner's shoes. Sometimes I'd scream in exasperation and sometimes it'd be like an out-of-body experience, watching things happening around me. I doubt that Meissner was happy for Ando; she probably felt defeated.

I think the best way to approach the haze and confusion is to accept that humans just use and get used. There was something in it for me to do things that'd ultimately hurt me. I hope I can cut myself off; I hope I can be strong.

you say goodbye, i say hello

As obvious as this may sound, when things start losing meaning, they become insignificant. I wish he had done this earlier; being transparent about his loss of interest in me and that's why it was easy for him to cut it off. But then again, when people give reasons of why it has to end, they never really do tell the truth. He'll never be able to tell me that he likes me, but not that much. And I'll never be able to tell him that I never saw a future with him; that I was very horny at the time and the sex happened to get better.

It's hard to hold onto his word that we'll be good friends; it's hard when I can't trust him anymore. When there's no action following through, I can't believe that our friendship will materialize. Intentionally or not, he's making it easier for me to hate him and move on. I'm sorry, but I tried and you just didn't; you're just inconsiderate. There's no other way to look at it but that you didn't know what you were saying when you offered friendship; then again, guys never know what they're doing until it's too late.

I doubt that I'll get involved with someone younger again, or even meet anyone from school. I don't think I'll even meet any friends; it's gonna be pretty lonely. I hope getting a car will fill a void by going to places. I hope I'll be strong enough to keep going; I'm kinda tired, ya know. And I think he's kissing a girl right now; I'm so sure that it hurts.

longings?

Sometimes I wake up thinking about you; it's weird. I make no effort in trying to forget you or try to remember you; yet it's been happening frequently. It's been less than a week since I heard from you but it feels like as if a month has passed by.

I still get startled or my heart starts racing when I see a Jeep. But I don't mourn us anymore; Us was fleeting to begin with and us is no longer tangible -- the images are fading and so are the memories. I find myself trying harder to remember now; to a point that I regret not documenting everything, especially the good ones. Maybe it's cuz I've been too busy and I thank God for that focused preoccupation -- my saving grace in helping me get through. Yet, I don't hate you; at least for now.

don't fuck with me, boy!

I have no respect for any guy who sings along to Justin Timberlake's "What Goes Around." And he gave it his all doing his falsetto. That so-called graduate student or as I'd like call him Lil' Chili, has aggression problems.

meant to be friends?

By Monday afternoon, I thought I was doing alright. I had my "change of scenery" with the campus-wide power outage on Sunday afternoon. The sudden interruption was my shaved head and weird earring; topping that was being nourished by home-cooked goodness -- so comforting. Also, verbalizing my feelings with AJ was a great cathartic release; I felt recharged and ready to take on life again with my relatively E-free weekend.

I guess I should have realized that avoidance wasn't the solution when I saw a poor man's clone of him in the cafeteria.

It was just unforgettable when I saw his photogenic ID card Monday night; when I was signing in for a practice room. Of all the cards, why was his placed there? Right where I would put it? And today, I saw his stupid car with his blaring bumper sticker at the foot of the walkway to the last Society lecture. Does he usually park there? Is this all coincidental? This is just as confusing and foggy as the weekend or the rut I was in, trying to get over him. It's like as if he just parked himself in my head and took all the space he can, crowding my thoughts. I tried to shake it off but he appeared again in the Society folder with his recital flyer. But, the ultimate exasperation was when the stupid security guard took a break and I ended up staring at the jazz bulletin board and the first thing that catches my eye is his lost notice for his bow. So I sighed and accepted it as fate that he should be back in my cell phonebook. In a way, I feel like at least for this week, he's not gonna go away until I write him back. So listen, I'll write you as soon as I hear from that stupid Management professor, 'kay?

casting call, i think

Everyday is getting worse
Do the same things and it hurts
I don't know if I should cry
All I know is that I'm tryin'
I wanna believe in you
I wanna believe in you
But you make it so hard to do

So why can't you be
Be good to me

I don't ask for much
All I want is love
Someone to see
That's all I need
Somebody to be
Somebody to be
Somebody to be
Good to me
Good to me
Can you be good to me
Good to me
Please

I used to think I had it all
Then one day we hit a wall
I had hoped you were the one
Where's my dream, where has it gone
I wanted to be with you
Forever just me and you

So why can't you be
Be good to me

I don't ask for much
All I want is love

Where do I go from here
You've gotten under my skin
And I don't know how
To get out of this place that I'm in