sweating glass of...

ice-cold milk!

Is Christianity misogynistic?

Black Writers in America (released 2005) introduced me to Ishmael Reed. One of the things he said that struck me was: that Christianity is misogynistic. Reed quoted the New Testament that instructed women to be submissive, and examples from the Old Testament that cited "legal" reasons. The first reaction I had was whether this is true.

When I think of Christianity, Chaengpi pops into my head. And what Chaengpi wrote recently -- about being outraged that his church nominated a Pentecostal woman as the head of the church's education department -- dismayed me. I don't pretend to know what Pentecostalism is about but why would that raise an objection? Furthermore, is he objecting to the fact that it's a woman?

Many pastors protest that the Bible immediately follows up the instruction with: men should love their wives. But this doesn't explain why the Bible doesn't instruct men to submit instead or that wives should love their husbands as they would love themselves.

The fact that Reed created a momentum where I'm feeling troubled and perplexed about what I've grown to know as "the religion," makes me wonder if I had an unrealistic and air-brushed conception of Christianity when in fact it's pretty fucked up. Some may laugh at my belated epiphany, but can't you see that I'm devastated? Reaffirming that nothing is sacred just eliminates another establishment that I can seek shelter from being weary.

Perhaps Reed is onto something when he said that true faith or religion is inside you. The peace that the world cannot give is the inner one. I really want to know what's out there that can help me deal.

hey

Being nice has gotten me nowhere. I'm 29 and what do I have?
I supported my family and they think it's chump change.
I tried to wait for Mr. Right and I got dicks.
I tried to devote myself to church and they tried to make me their slave.

The only institution that hasn't blown me off is school. And school has been nothing but cool. I miss being in school. I miss studying. Of course, I don't miss the pressure to meet deadlines but I like learning. Maybe I should just bury myself in academics. It may be just a blow-up doll but hey, maybe it's better than those things we call humans.

Maybe I just have misandry. No, I hate women too. They're like cats. They only stick around when they need you and they play solo. So I have misanthropy, and I hate that there's nowhere to escape from all the madness that happens.

I hate life and what it hurls at you unexpectedly all the time. I just want to die; I've lost so many opportunities and I've made so many dumb decisions. I really don't know what's the point of dragging this show on, God. Can't I expire when I'm still decent-looking? Does this have to get ugly? Is that why you gave me life? So I can suffer? Yep, I need to suffer cuz otherwise, I'd never know my place. My shitty parents think I don't know my place so why would you think otherwise? Every shit head in this family wants to teach me a lesson, so I'm sure you want to too.

Sorry I'm not feeling grateful here. Ya see, I'm not made out to feel anything but bitterness; I can't take hardship or illnesses. Ya see, you've built me weak. And I'm sure the devil and you are having this behind-the-scenes conversation about how I gave in and am cursing you out. By the way, maybe that conversation about Job you had with that snake shouldn't have been published; it really doesn't show you in a favorable light. In fact, it makes you look pretty cruel, agreeing to a bet like that. Is this what's ahead? Making me feel like shit again, making me realize how I'm nothing? Let me save you the trouble: I KNOW I AM N-O-T-H-I-N-G. You've made damn sure I don't forget it through the microcosm known as my life; I've got my parents playing you and demonstrating how I don't mean shit. O yea, I've got sexism and racism working against me. Some say sex sells, it's the millennium but it hasn't done me much good. I know I turn heads but ya see, I'm not hot enough.

O, and let's talk ignorance, the spawn of ignorance I was born into. Thanks for giving me "educated" parents but they might as well never have gone to college cuz their minds are eyes-wide-shut. Maybe it would have been better if I never got to see how other people are doing better than me; it's cruel to let a Third-World person taste First-World goods and then banish 'em from ever setting foot in the candy store again. So while I'm back in the ghetto, with images of the sweet stuff dancing in my head, it's plain to see that I've turned into something really sad -- pathethic, actually. You might as well have written addiction into my DNA while you were at it.

So can you give me a break and let me be the envy of all those assholes out there? I'm pretty sure I'll be penniless and alone when my time comes but I'd like to change the outcome if there's still a chance. Or maybe you can off me now while I'm less bitter. But then again, I'm sure when we meet, you'll have nothing but negative things to say about me and all I can say is: "Like everyone else before, I'm just riding the togatails of Jesus."

Can we get this over with? Unlucky in life and love; I get it. I don't need more time to realize this, nor do I want to see this unfold in front of my eyes. Haven't I seen enough?

You're Out!

Strike 1. When I was 9, she laughed at my dream of working in advertising.

Strike 2. Few weeks ago, I couldn't believe my ears. She mentioned her stupid female relative who got married to a doctor and then nodded, "There's no point in women getting so much education."

Foul Ball. She denied that Pa ever laid a hand on her when I confronted her about all those mornings where I'd find shattered glass as aftermath.

Hit By Pitch. When I tried to blame her for turning a blindeye on Gonzo, him beating me up, she treated me as if I'm crazy to think that ever happened. She will always side with her sons over me no matter what.

Strike 3. Better yet, she'll side with anybody but me. Today, she accused me of fighting with the stupid paralegal even though he's an idiot. She's made up her mind about me: that I start fights. Despite everything I've done for her, this is all I get. I really feel like giving up.

the flow

close to 2 months since last.

I ain't no Goth, bitch!

Ok, let's get something straight. Unlike Goth kids, my pain is real, my parents are shitty people (especially you, Pa -- asking me if I'm asleep a million times, ya creepy jerk! Why don't you just break down the fucking door, you only-nice-when-you-need-something-from-me asshole!), and I do try to get off my ass and give life a chance. Sure, I do obsess about things I cannot change, but I do not have fun being miserable. You think feeling depressed and crying is good times? So depressed that in 5 days, it will be two months since I had my period? My body's so stressed that I'm getting hives! I need some respite. Otherwise, I will reach a point where recovery will be extremely difficult. My body can only take so much trauma. And God obviously wants to teach me a lesson all the time about how wrong I am, all the freaking time!

And Butters, you must have lost your mind cuz there's no such thing as a beautiful sadness, you crying little pussy! And it does sound stupid!

Life is pain. Life is only pain. . . . But there's only blackness. Dark, depressing loneliness that eats at your soul.
Love didn't work for my mom and dad. Why should it work for me?
My dad is such an asshole. Drunken bastard doesn't even know I exist. . . . Just an excuse for my mom to bitch at me for not wearing girly clothes like all the Britney Spears wannabes at this school.

grace

About 3 years ago, Jobber and I sort of dated when he was struggling to figure out what he wanted to do with his life. The military disappointed the ex-captain and he was about to start his MBA. At the time, his employment prospects looked grim cuz the only thing he could nab was working for an elevator construction company. Fast forward. Now, he's an investment banker.

Jae asked me to hook him up with i-bankers and finally I did. I had a hard time trying to figure out how to appeal to his good graces without sounding phony or despicable. One good thing about Haepee is that because of her, I had to log in to Friendster. Being bored and waiting for her to get back to me led to catching up with all the updated profiles of "friends." As soon as I saw his, I wondered if I should go for it and ask him if he'd consider talking to Jae. He overlooked us -- not that I meant very much to him --, and graciously imparted advice for Jae. For that, he is the better person. I'm still contemplating treating him to a nice meal but I wonder if it's overdoing it. It'd be so fake and he'll see through it too -- not to mention, it'll be awkward. But as the recipient of benevolence, I guess I'll have to just try.

extension skool villain

Today must be: Pounce on Da Pawn Day.

Here's Manic; the only progeny of a math professor (but hails from a line of doctors) and an ex-psychiatrist (who also tumbles from a doctor family). The latter or the mother was diagnosed bipolar. I haven't witnessed any symptoms from Manic but she does have a little crazy in her. She once said that she resented that her boyfriend had a better relationship with his parents than her. When she told me this, I tried to chalked it up to something I couldn't remember but I assured her that she wasn't thinking evil thoughts, like wishing ill for her boyfriend. Of course, looking back, I was a fool. Should have instead said that she probably needed to be institutionalized, preferably somewhere far, like her home country Germany.

She called cuz school starts tomorrow and she's bored -- maybe she's lonely in Ithaca. But who cares? She's the droopy-nosed bitch who smirked that I got into an accident. So she can go to hell.

the village idiots

There's a school located in the heart of a village. I attended that school in hopes of reaping the benefits of being educated at that institution. But that's another story. Rather, I want to talk about the idiots that I met in that "village." Why? Well, cuz two of 'em invaded my personal space this week.

Meet Haepee; she's a spoiled brat who contacts me every other summer to get together whenever Yoohoo's ass is in the city. Thing is, every time I try to make this happen, they just disappear again. Maybe it's high time I delete her from my Friendster list. But she might prove to be useful one day and that's why I don't cut people off from my life unless they're hurling insults. So you can understand why I sigh when I look at my phonebook; I've paid so much money for this stupid school, just to wind up meeting useless idiots.

Say hello to Kevpi. I think he pretends that we're friends cuz I am the unobtainable fuck. Let me explain: I'm no super model but just because I'll never sleep with him, I've become this object he must pursue relentlessly -- just because he can't get what he wants. And even if I try to be friends with this guy, he never lets me in his life but he has no trouble making me feel uncomfortable and keeps pouncing me for answers.

I'm so tired, so weary. I just want to resign life; just close shop and call it quits. I really want to quit.

ya hear me?

Show me how
Show me now
And I'll gladly bow.

fuck her

Me first! That bitch can cry her rich-ass eyes out for all I care. I'm the one who needs a pep talk to get outta this: "You can do this! Get your survival instincts to work for ya! You're a grown woman and you better start taking care of yourself. You have it in you to go on!"

clawing my way out

If I'm eligible, first thing I'll do: change my name. I never felt like I belonged in this family so I might as well dump its name. Even dropping a letter could make all the difference. So I'll do it.

aha! yo shit does stink!

Calling Korea: five dollars.

Eavesdropping on 막내 이모 reducing Ma to tears: P-R-I-C-E-L-E-S-S!

이모: Only you would stir shit like blah blah blah! I'm 억세다?

-- more shredding --

Ma: Well, after I saw your husband during the funeral, he seemed to confirm my suspicisions that he thought the same!

Meow! I'd send my aunt a thank-you card, saying: "Finally, I wasn't only one who thought this woman was XYZ!" But, I know word gets around and auntie would bring it up in her face that even her own daughter thinks she's XYZ. So, I'm gonna let the bitches duke it out. I'm just glad that I'm not the only one mom deflects on, making 'em feel like shit.

eject, EJECT!

Gonzo said that if he went to my room and watched TV, I'd go insane. Hearing the idiot think aloud, I realized that at least he knows me well enough to not pull that shit in front of me. He kept uttering that I was hogging the living room TV out of spite and called me "another worthless piece of shit." I smirked, thinking, 'That remark just cost you another 30 minutes, asshole!' He was bitter about something, and kept on calling Pa a worthless piece of shit, was going to get his revenge by making Pa miserably lonely by isolating him, how lazy he is, and made fun of him for reading and watching the same news a dozen times a day. I thought he was stupid for opening his mouth and letting his intentions be known. Now I know for sure that he's a vindictive bitch. Yes, bitch; cuz if you act like a bitch, you ain't a man anymore.

As for Ma, she gave some half-baked apology about biting my head off last night. I didn't say a thing because I still needed her money. So, as soon as I'm able, I'm ditching these crazies.

EP reality

I feel like my life resembles BB -- a reality game extraordinaire. But there's no prize at the end of this game and I'm stuck with these housemates until I can become independent. So, alliances sometimes must be made...

The bitch is a light sleeper. She thinks I drive her insane but the truth is the opposite; I hate her breathing down on me and making me feel like I'm abnormal. Sometimes I think she's so bent on achieving this ideal life shown in Korean soaps that she becomes delusional. Did I mention that I hate my life?

Anyway, back to alliances: When I first got here, I was glad that my biological father was around to tame the crazy spending of this woman. But, forming an alliance with a crazy person was a bad idea. The other offspring held a grudge extraordinaire and I the unsuspecting victim made the mistake of taking chance on him. The last resort would be the youngest offspring but he's too optimistic and attached to his parents. So I'm alone and every day I must fend off these crazies -- no offense, Jae. I've put my foot in the mouth a zillion times so hopefully I've learned from all my stupid mistakes. Hopefully.

Ya know, I try so hard to not feel depressed or cry; but it's so cold when you feel like you're so alone.

I wonder if there's any examples of cynicism in The Book. But maybe people were too busy trying to ensure their survival. But in surviving, isn't cynicism the key?

matrilineal relations

Mom's cousin who's 34 and her 2 kids, ages 4 & 5; that makes me and the kiddies: distant cousins.

So here's how the family tree goes: GGP (great grandpa) had 3 wives and spawned 14 offsprings. The first wife produced 2 sons -- my gramps and his older brother. Ma's cousin's father is the spawn from the 3rd wife. Dang, the GGP had a clan!

rankism saved my life

Forget "mum"; "rankism" is the word! Certainly, coming up with a name doesn't lead to salvation. However, there is power in finally articulating what I thought that only affected me; realizing that I'm not the only one who feels that it doesn't neatly fit into sexism or racism; and that feeling your dignity is being stripped away is no exaggeration.

I feel liberated! I no longer feel confused about my feelings; I now know that I am not overreacting to oppression, and I can call it when I see it! Validation is a powerful, powerful, and powerful thing; I am hopeful -- not because I have rose-colored glasses; but because unlike before, this seems somewhat manageable. I feel that there is room for improvement; still a chance for things to get better for me. Though this may sound trite, I want to live life to its fullest. Ya hear that, world? I wanna live!

overload

8 pm. Somewhere near Paramus. Walking back to the bus stop, wiping tears, and wondering why I couldn't just hold it in and shut my mouth. Saturday was going ok; Ma and I were finally speaking to each other. But as usual, she has to buy something, and it has to be -- now! This time, a mattress for Jae.

We were driving to BJ's, thinking that they'd deliver -- or at least she was confident about that. Looking back, I should have asked 'em when I called, whether they also delivered; I could have avoided a conversation that should not have taken place -- I could have avoided driving upset. Oh well. Shit happens unintentionally.

If I could go back in time, I would have tuned her out when she started getting paranoid, forcing me to divert my attention from driving. I exited the wrong ramp and had to make a U-turn. She kept on telling me: don't make a U-turn here, there, etc. The final straw was when she spotted a cop writing a ticket to some car and proceeded to get hysterical: "Cop, cop! There's cop! Don't make left! Can't make left!" I'm not sure where it came from, maybe it was the Unconscious finally surfacing: "Shut up, shut up, shut up!" The literal translation would be "Be quiet!" but it's not as dramatic and it doesn't quite capture my rage, ya see.

No, it's best if I went back to the moment when she asked me to accompany her to go mattress shopping. Ya see, yank it from the roots and I wouldn't even have to regret saying things like: "You should have gotten a divorce! Why did you allow your children to continue living under the tyranny of that thing?" Perhaps the anger was prompted by hearing her yammer about how he's become so much like his own deadbeat father: sleeping late, waking up late, eat a meal, take a nap, another meal, walking off the consumed calories at the nearby park, surfing news sites in lieu of flipping through papers -- just like Deadbeat. As I was hearing how Pa was behaving exactly like the despicable man I've come to know as my grandfather -- a sexist pitting his own children against each other, and not wishing success for his children -- I could not believe this woman, supposedly my mother, would allow her own children to grow up under a poisonous man! Baffling stupidity! And for what? Money! And so did we enjoy great wealth? Hell no! Every day, these two idiots would duke it out, yelling about money! It just occurred to me today that my mother probably never grew up being unhappy, and that she doesn't care that her children are unhappy.

Pa wants to be pampered by his offsprings, Ma wants complete control of 'em so she can shape their lives to her pleasing! So I told her that she ruined my life by coming to live with me while I was still in school. She retorted by reminding me that in fact, I was the one who asked her to come -- a decision I will regret for the rest of my life. At that point, I snapped; I couldn't bear to hear, "You're so weird and psychotic." I saw a bus stop, I parked and put the hazard lights on and got out. She insisted that she'll get out instead but she never did. She didn't even bother calling my name. I walked as fast as I could. From the bus stop, a sidewalk led to a couple of blocks to a dead end. I furiously turned right and continued walking in anger. I looked for tissues in case the faucets let loose: None. It was funny; I was finally away from her -- alone! -- and I couldn't even heave cuz I didn't have any tissue!

still mad

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and
I don't have time to go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can't you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don't mind sayin'
It's a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter
Sayin' that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

He pushed me 'round
now I'm drawin' the line
He lived his life
now I'm gonna go live mine
I'm sick on wastin' my time
Well now I've been good for way too long
Found my red dress and I'm gonna throw it on
'Bout to get too far gone

Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition
Need a little bit more of my twelve-ounce nutrition
One more helpin' of what I've been havin'
I'm takin' my turn on the sin wagon

On a mission to make something happen
Feel like Delilah lookin' for Samson
Do a little mattress dancin'
That's right I said mattress dancin'

When it's my turn to march up to old glory
I'm gonna have one hell of a story
That's if he forgives me
Oh, lord please forgive me

got gills?

Here's the thing: I have yet to find any motivation or reason to go on; I've tried re-reading my declaration to volunteer for Camp Discovery. But, the elation of helping others won't last long; eventually I'll get depressed, being surrounded by so many ill kids who have very little hope. Bottom line is that I'm not at where I wanted to be; those wonderful dreams, but even sinking the titanic took 10 years in the making. Yes, it's been a slow and agonizing process but since it was such a grand and immaculate dream, it can still milk tears and gnashing. Of course, there's a possibility that I can swim to surface. But, as of now, as of today, I'm stuck in this underworld with so much weight strapped to my feet. So when I hear about rich people wanting to kill themselves, I wanna slap 'em silly while yelling intermittenly, "At least ya have money!" What? Money isn't great as family or friends? How dare you! Those same bastards you put your trust in, will turn on you, you idiot! Why on earth would you want to invest in humans? They're capable of breaking your heart, kicking ya to the curb, and dancing on your grave. So tell me again -- what's so great about these creatures? Ya know, even God doesn't wanna live here! If we're lucky, we get to die young; I've prayed for a quick and painless death ASAP, but that has yet to be granted. So, that leaves me with at least 30 years until I take my last shit. Here's where my motivation rekindles: Instead of waiting for Death to come and find me, I'm gonna tidy up for a while; take care of some loose ends. That would include finishing up school. Ya see, I saw my old summer school ID card sticking out of my wallet today. It reminded me of how nobody believed in me; everyone questioned me for wanting to study at this school. Many thought that I was wasting my money. Well, F you. I'll get my bachelor's and as soon as I'm eligible, I'm gonna study to be an Enrolled Agent -- IRS never looked so good. And ripped boxers waving at you as you walk along 25th (I think) between 6th & 7th ave -- No matter how depressed you are, when sexiness flashes you a smile, you turn into sap -- maple syrup, that is. So, now I want more of that pootie even though pootie won't love me; I'll die happy watching so much pootie. In short, I'm chasing after pootie bait and that's why I'm swimming.

melting

Mine, immaculate dream made breath and skin
I've been waiting for you
Signed, with a home tattoo,
"Happy birthday to you" was created for you

Can't ever keep from falling apart
At the seams

Who do you need, who do you love
When you come undone
Can't ever keep from falling apart. . .