bleak

I know that Ma and Pa won't leave me a dime. Most likely Jae's gonna get all of it but they'll give Gonzo a good bulk too since he's the first son. As for me, Pa will probably leave a will saying that I should have known better than to end up as an unsuccessful, old maid. Ma will chime in with a victim speech, saying that I don't deserve anything after all I've said and done to her.

Maybe Jae will cut me some but if there isn't much left, I doubt he'll be generous. And even if there is enough, he'll interrogate viciously before I even see a cent. But that's nothing compared to what Gonzo's gonna do. I'll never forget his threat of throwing me out on the curb because the deed is under his name, reminding me that I don't own anything. So, what's a girl to do?

One thing for sure, nobody should ever feel so depressed for such a long period of time. It's really terrible. My heart wrenches 90% of the time cuz I feel so alone. The only way to really overcome it is to put all your energy on better or positive things like a career or goals.

My life would be better if I didn't talk back as much but it's not in my nature. Maybe I can blame it on Western ideology that supports individualism; whoever came up with the idea that you should always speak out is an idiot. Heros die and it's only the cowards who survive. And when you realize how disgusting you really are, there are only 2 things u can do: sink or swim. I'm trying hard as I can to not sink. So, when I'm about to die, I can definitely say that I did try.