It just hit me that maybe I'll never be ready or mature enough for marriage. I'm coming to the conclusion that in the end, some people just dive into it. I have to remind myself that I'm unlike other people; I have to at least be in a position where I can bring something to the table and I just-- can't right now. Most likely, by the time I am "ready" to have children, I'll have to deal with the fact that my eggs will be too old and maybe I'll have to look into other options, like adoption.
I used to be so sure that adoption was "the way" and the future for mankind. As of now, I'm thinking that if I can't even take care of myself, how the hell can I take care of another human being and somehow try to protect my heart from being devastated by its betrayals and the pain the thing will inflict upon me. That's right; all I can think about is the pain I'll experience by the child. Pain, pain, and pain.
My life is just full of agony so it's hard to look on the bright side if there is any. I just want to cry.
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