i can't believe she's a doctor

Chris Wragge: They can declare the air safe but as people, still little hesitant about walking around without those masks, I mean do you recommend keeping the masks on anyway even though they've given the go-ahead?

Dr. Stupid Phillips: Well, they certainly don't harm anything. And it's always better to be safe than sorry. Also, just because asbestos is in the air, that doesn't mean just regular dump and soot that could have been released in the blast couldn't cause people some difficulties.

Kristine Johnson: Not a bad idea just to wear one then.

Yes, Phillips would certainly wear one. But she just won't tell you that. I swear, she looks and talks like a governmental robot.

no more crappy b-days

Next year, be anywhere but home. Remember, they'll try to coerce you into eating food you don't even crave for; they'll assume they know everything about you. They won't even bother to ask you what it is you want to do on your own birthday; they're insane like that. They won't allow you to enjoy that one day of the year because your birthday is just an excuse to get what they want. Next year, you're gonna be eating a pretty cake like shown here and drinking great beer. 30 crappy birthdays is enough.

you disappoint me, fast-poo

You're getting smaller, saltier, and more expensive. For example, there's nothing big about a Big Mac. What's up with that? I remember a time when finishing half of a Big Mac was a great feat for me and the damn sandwich lived up to its given name. Now, with a fat and calorie-conscious country, not only do you get less for what you pay for, everything's so damn expensive. Ya see, those idiots at corporate realized that the only way they can make their products socially responsible is to reduce the size; voila, you've got nutritional calories that won't instigate lawsuits from fat people who wanna blame everyone but themselves for their obesity. Now, thankfully the dollar or 99-cent menu is available. A $1.49 Junior cheeseburger deluxe at Wendy's is more affordable than your usual fastfood joint but you can't keep eating those forever.

i want a gay BFF so I can cry on his shoulder...

When you do busy work, say dish washing, thoughts dawn on you: I think it's sad that I haven't met anyone who loved me, not just parts of me. It's even sadder when you're turning 30. I've spent all this time on this planet and I've got nothing to show for. I'm not asking for a marriage; just a great relationship, that great love. Just so in love, truly, deeply, madly...

Anything that resembled a little bit of that was probably in high school. It was hard to articulate the feelings but what else can motivate a guy to write so many pages of lovely letters, and a girl to talk to him on the phone forever? It was pure and innocent; and it will never ever be like that again. You'd be doing yourself a favor by telling him, "I don't believe you." Cuz there's no reason to trust him -- at all. Nobody tied you to him, you tied yourself to him, girlie. You tied yourself to guys who just didn't love you.

So 20 more years until I croak. Let's just throw myself at building me a sand castle. Shall we?

coexisting with the past

I want things I can't have. I wish there was a manual override on emotions; I kind of wish I don't feel anymore. Maybe that's the key; just shut down that part of myself until I feel safe. I need to just hold my breath; it ain't time yet to surface for air. I'll preoccupy myself with crossing off the to-do lists and finishing off books that have been gathering dust...


You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

You are such a fool
To worry like you do.. Oh
I know it's tough
And you can never get enough
Of what you don't really need now
My, oh my

Oh love, look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm 'til you discover how deep
I wasn't jumping, for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along this stony pass

It's just a moment
This time will pass

the real price for stuff

I think Mum would rather keep buying me stuff than divorce the bastard. And I can't even reject the stuff; it's thrown at me. After that, I'm expected to perform the duty whether I like it or not. I have no say in the matter and I must comply; otherwise, they will remind me of the stuff I never asked for. It all comes back to the stuff.

the blair decade

Have you seen it? Such pieces motivate me to read; to do my own investigating.

The final remark touched a nerve: Blair had the capacity to become a great prime minister but he fell "quite short of it." Like Blair, we overestimate our strengths and are unconsciously blind to our weaknesses; that's normal and we will all fall short. But what I see is not so much the exposed failure but the new bar. Blair may have not lived up to his full potential but he definitely raised expectations. As a prime minister, he took advantage of his relatively smaller footprint and fully pushed the envelope. I think that's what I'd like to achieve as well, challenging myself to produce. Accomplishments are beyond no doubt, great. However, the significance of these very things are that they erect milestones and elevate standards. Sometimes it doesn't take much to become the rising star but when you're in, be fabulous!

to better days

One whole month before turning 30... I've been waiting for this moment for so long that I just want to get it over with. Summer skool will provide a nice distraction and the month will go by fast. Wish my Memorial Day Weekend was more fun but hey, shopping can always compensate for my lack of happiness -- er, fun.

I used to think people were lying when they'd tell me they're 29; I thought they were trying to hide their real age -- whether it'd be 30 or older. In my case, I'd get shocked looks cuz they thought I was much younger. So being 29 wasn't a drag, being pawed all over by a cute young 'un 'n all. But I also got too carried away and ended up being hurt too. It was sort of like riding a bike again and falling down -- again.

I want to be intimate with someone again but I'm afraid the pond I'm in doesn't have too many fish:
Friendster Horoscope for May 27, 2007
Cancer (Jun 22 - Jul 22)
The Bottom Line: Still getting a lot less than you're putting in? It may be time to cut bait.
In Detail: If you're still getting a lot less out of a long-term project (or relationship) than you're putting in, it may be time to admit that you're going to have to end things. You can't waste your precious resources forever. Cut bait, row your boat over to another part of the sea, and start fishing in some fresh waters. You may feel as though you're starting all over again -- but you're starting with a lot more wisdom.

need change

I hope life gets better starting today.

I hope I show full appreciation, when I can, to people who matter and I hope I meet people who think of me the same.
I hope I can meet more friends than foes; it's so easy for people to turn against you.

I hope I can cope better in this new environment; I hope I can adjust to loneliness better.

I hope I can be more mindful of creating productive days; I hope I wake up determined to achieve goals, especially since I don't have much accountability.

I hope I don't forget these affirmations.

at my wit's end

How is it possible that I miss someone who's not into me? Someone I don't even know well? If I stayed longer, I would have felt so lonely. So there's no desire to be back together but I don't want to cut him off entirely. I don't understand this when there's not much for me to gain; especially now since there's even less, cuz we're friends. Someone talk some sense into me. I don't fully understand this.

hey, he is a pig after all!

Me (10:19:06 PM): u're a player

Me (10:19:14 PM): it's not enough there's one girl waiting for u

Me (10:19:21 PM): u've gotta diversify

Jae (10:20:30 PM): well girls do teh same, so i don't see the problem here

Me (10:20:03 PM): yeah well u're my brother

Jae (10:21:00 PM): but if i'm in a relationship, of course i wouldn't do this

Me (10:20:26 PM): well, i don't blame u

Me (10:20:37 PM): it just sounded like u were forming a portfolio

And he was, da little fucker! I guess I'm not so mad at him as much as the fact that he's human just like the rest of 'em. Today, in my eyes, he has become a man, like the rest of y'all and I didn't feel so good helping out an asshole like him; I feel like I'm betraying my gender. This just makes me sad. I had certain expectations about him and now I'm disappointed; he's not the baby brother I knew anymore.

I'm always gonna be on his side no matter what -- and I hope he will reciprocate the same -- but this sucks.

jae's a good thing

It's so easy to get self-absorbed and lost in your own "problems." When Jae expressed his anxiety and obsession about a new girl he came across Facebook, listening to the giddy boy mitigated my loneliness; he was asking me everything from what the next step would be, etc. I don't think I need to date again as much as surrounding myself with people. I think the lack of human contact exacerbated the situation; the social tank was apparently empty. Of course, one can feel so alone even though she's surrounded by a mass of people, but I think what made it different was the person -- someone I care about or someone who cares about me. It's good to have a sibling like him.

sex, sex, SEX!

I don't necessarily miss him but images of intimate moments with him pop up from time to time. But, let's face it; as sweet as those moments were, he lost interest. That is why he doesn't care if I were to be with another guy. He even told me that eventually I wouldn't even want to kiss him. So you see, he was feeling guilty about his ulterior motives and wanted out; and he just happens to be one of those people who are compulsive about ending things well with their exs.

This makes me sad cuz it reaffirms my suspicion that: younger guys are into older women cuz such are, from their point of view, low maintenance. These are lazy and selfish boys. I think it's sad that he used his busy musician life as an excuse as to "the why." It would have been better if he told me that he's just not into me anymore.

But having been burnt by a boy or man doesn't put a damper on the sex drive. Yes, I crave it but not necessarily with him. He was good in bed but eventually you stop desiring someone who rejected you, who doesn't reciprocate your feelings. Rather, I'm talking about maintaining a good momentum that he helped create. You have no idea how wistfully I gawk at Excedrin Man. I seriously wanna do him or anybody who's decent -- or so I say...

bury me in ur arms

It dawned on me that I attract crazies. I thought he was the most grounded person but how can a "grounded" person be so inconsiderate and thoughtless to a friend of mine? Why do I look at 'em with such rose-colored glasses when they're so obviously socially challenged? They all tell me that in reality, they're introverts; and it's me who's bringing 'em out to play. Somehow, I have the ability to draw people out of their comfort zones and interact with me. And because I end up with 'em, I am therefore romantically challenged over and over again. Why don't I believe 'em when they tell me they usually don't even talk to girls? I think the allure was the difference; they were all unique and fascinatingly different from me.

But it all goes downhill; he became insecure because of me. Something about me brings out the worst in people as if they want to strip me of anything good. Will I ever meet someone confident, who can see that they don't have to be defensive? What can little ole me do?

Now that I'm back to my good ole cynical self, weary of people, there seems to be a return of normalcy -- my world sucks. It's slightly different than B.E. (before E), since supposedly he's now in my world. Every time I try to push him away, he leans in. And when I try to do the same, he retreats. Bastard. The boy plays games too much and I'm getting tired of it.

I kinda want to just call it quits; it's just too cold out there.

defeated

I like watching figure skaters in competition; it reminds me of a school setting. Everyone's there to get a medal or good grades but it ain't easy. Either we get in our own way or we ain't just good enough for the gold. But, watching the competition reminds me that we all have potential; it's fair game.

The judges groan in disappointment when their darling skater fails to make that jump she needs. And she will have to face the consequences. We all respond and react differently but Kimmie Meissner watched stoically as Miki Ando claimed the gold. Sometimes I was Ando and most of the time, I was in Meissner's shoes. Sometimes I'd scream in exasperation and sometimes it'd be like an out-of-body experience, watching things happening around me. I doubt that Meissner was happy for Ando; she probably felt defeated.

I think the best way to approach the haze and confusion is to accept that humans just use and get used. There was something in it for me to do things that'd ultimately hurt me. I hope I can cut myself off; I hope I can be strong.

you say goodbye, i say hello

As obvious as this may sound, when things start losing meaning, they become insignificant. I wish he had done this earlier; being transparent about his loss of interest in me and that's why it was easy for him to cut it off. But then again, when people give reasons of why it has to end, they never really do tell the truth. He'll never be able to tell me that he likes me, but not that much. And I'll never be able to tell him that I never saw a future with him; that I was very horny at the time and the sex happened to get better.

It's hard to hold onto his word that we'll be good friends; it's hard when I can't trust him anymore. When there's no action following through, I can't believe that our friendship will materialize. Intentionally or not, he's making it easier for me to hate him and move on. I'm sorry, but I tried and you just didn't; you're just inconsiderate. There's no other way to look at it but that you didn't know what you were saying when you offered friendship; then again, guys never know what they're doing until it's too late.

I doubt that I'll get involved with someone younger again, or even meet anyone from school. I don't think I'll even meet any friends; it's gonna be pretty lonely. I hope getting a car will fill a void by going to places. I hope I'll be strong enough to keep going; I'm kinda tired, ya know. And I think he's kissing a girl right now; I'm so sure that it hurts.

longings?

Sometimes I wake up thinking about you; it's weird. I make no effort in trying to forget you or try to remember you; yet it's been happening frequently. It's been less than a week since I heard from you but it feels like as if a month has passed by.

I still get startled or my heart starts racing when I see a Jeep. But I don't mourn us anymore; Us was fleeting to begin with and us is no longer tangible -- the images are fading and so are the memories. I find myself trying harder to remember now; to a point that I regret not documenting everything, especially the good ones. Maybe it's cuz I've been too busy and I thank God for that focused preoccupation -- my saving grace in helping me get through. Yet, I don't hate you; at least for now.

don't fuck with me, boy!

I have no respect for any guy who sings along to Justin Timberlake's "What Goes Around." And he gave it his all doing his falsetto. That so-called graduate student or as I'd like call him Lil' Chili, has aggression problems.

meant to be friends?

By Monday afternoon, I thought I was doing alright. I had my "change of scenery" with the campus-wide power outage on Sunday afternoon. The sudden interruption was my shaved head and weird earring; topping that was being nourished by home-cooked goodness -- so comforting. Also, verbalizing my feelings with AJ was a great cathartic release; I felt recharged and ready to take on life again with my relatively E-free weekend.

I guess I should have realized that avoidance wasn't the solution when I saw a poor man's clone of him in the cafeteria.

It was just unforgettable when I saw his photogenic ID card Monday night; when I was signing in for a practice room. Of all the cards, why was his placed there? Right where I would put it? And today, I saw his stupid car with his blaring bumper sticker at the foot of the walkway to the last Society lecture. Does he usually park there? Is this all coincidental? This is just as confusing and foggy as the weekend or the rut I was in, trying to get over him. It's like as if he just parked himself in my head and took all the space he can, crowding my thoughts. I tried to shake it off but he appeared again in the Society folder with his recital flyer. But, the ultimate exasperation was when the stupid security guard took a break and I ended up staring at the jazz bulletin board and the first thing that catches my eye is his lost notice for his bow. So I sighed and accepted it as fate that he should be back in my cell phonebook. In a way, I feel like at least for this week, he's not gonna go away until I write him back. So listen, I'll write you as soon as I hear from that stupid Management professor, 'kay?

casting call, i think

Everyday is getting worse
Do the same things and it hurts
I don't know if I should cry
All I know is that I'm tryin'
I wanna believe in you
I wanna believe in you
But you make it so hard to do

So why can't you be
Be good to me

I don't ask for much
All I want is love
Someone to see
That's all I need
Somebody to be
Somebody to be
Somebody to be
Good to me
Good to me
Can you be good to me
Good to me
Please

I used to think I had it all
Then one day we hit a wall
I had hoped you were the one
Where's my dream, where has it gone
I wanted to be with you
Forever just me and you

So why can't you be
Be good to me

I don't ask for much
All I want is love

Where do I go from here
You've gotten under my skin
And I don't know how
To get out of this place that I'm in

what was that all about?

I wasn't sure what I was going to say. But as soon as I saw him, I knew it was over. Instead of words, tears started to stream out. An overwhelming sadness was about to drown me and it got worse when I turned to see his face. I may not have realized at that moment but unconsciouly I knew and he definitely knew that I was going to be a weight in his life, eventually a resentment because he can never be the person I want. At the moment, I thought it was a beautiful sadness. Now, I'm not too sure. Maybe it was but all I feel now is anger, restlessness, and betrayral. I'm so mad with myself for... No, I don't regret anything. I enjoyed every moment I had with him but this sucks. This feeling of rejection, whether it's good for me in the long run. Nobody wants to be rejected for any reason.

But I will keep my distance because I'm not helping him or myself. I need to get over him ASAP and if I can, be a good friend to him so he can in return, do the same; he owes me. He owes me friendship cuz he could not be who I had in mind. He should be sorry that he didn't know better; he's going to realize later on, "What the hell was I thinking? I was so immature!" He's going to realize that his day-to-day outlook hurt someone nice, whether intentionally or unintentionally; that his selfishness tainted the beautiful butterfly he met.

She will fly again but she's screaming blood and murder during the recovery. She hates recoveries.

at ebb

And just like that, in a month, those waves of feelings that rushed in are retreating back to their origin; it was a nice ride. I enjoyed it very much, thank you. I'm not so sure if I'm mad at the object of my affection as much as at myself. After all, I allowed myself to plunge in, feel the water.

He's a busy guy who doesn't like to talk on the phone. Of course, I gave him alternative means to contact me but he's not interested in anything other than face-to-face. I could be the better person, understanding 'n all. But I don't want to. At this age, I know what I want and don't have much patience and time for things to happen.

I also know that his laptop and navigator got stolen but he doesn't let me in, involve me in his life. Maybe I pissed him off when he was feeling vulnerable. In any case, he knew that I understood his hectic life. He knew that I wanted to be supportive of him; he knew how I felt. I never played any games. The ball was always in his court. I miss the chase; I miss when he was so into me.

"A relationship never ends," Rosamund Zander told her husband once. It may have been a tactic to make him stay in a difficult time. But to him, these words ignited a spark within to work on his marriage.

Even if we eventually lose contact, he'll always be remembered. I'm just frustrated that despite a month, I still don't know him very well.

miss u

I’m lost without u
Can’t help myself
How does it feel
To know that I love u baby

Tell me how u love me more
And how u think I’m sexy baby
That u don’t want nobody else
U don’t want this guy, u don’t want that guy, u wanna
Touch yourself when u see me
Tell me how u love my body
And how I make u feel baby

U wanna roll with me, u wanna hold with me
U wanna stay warm and get out of the cold with me
I just love 2 hear u say it
It makes a man feel good baby
Tell me u depend on me
I need to hear it

trouble in paradise

How young is too young?
Maybe he is too young.
I want to make this work but I'm also wondering if it's wise to do so.

He seems to have difficulty receiving stuff from me or even me paying for him.
And tonight, his words colored in his every ounce of pride, in every fiber of his being.
Am I making him feel bad about himself?
I thought I was making him feel good.
Are we better off without each other?
Is it too late?
Are we in a bit too deep?
Too intricately linked?
Are the only options to delve further or rip apart ourselves from each other?

He makes me melt and I miss being with him.
But, someone please remind me what we have in common.
We may be just too different.

vulnerable yet determined

I'm at my best when I'm lonely and hungry for success.
But after a reprieve, it's kind of hard, making me a bit teary to get back on my feet alone.
I know he (or anybody for that matter) can't be there for me, take my hand and guide me to where I need to go; I must walk alone and see this through.
Soon, I'll see the door and find out what's behind it.

love locked out

a la Bill Henderson:

Love locked out in all the cold and rain,
Love locked out may never come again,
Love locked out and weeping bitter tears,
But no one ever hears love calling.
Though we need the precious gift it brings,
We don't heed the song of love it sings,
On the door love beats its tiny wings,
Just love locked out.
A world without love is a world without life,
A sad world full of gloom,
So please make a place there for love in your heart,
It does not need much room.
Love is well worth the waiting for,
When it comes knocking at your door,
Fling it wide, for love locked out will come
No more, no more.

When can I see you again?

When can my heart beat again
When does the pain ever end
When do the tears stop from running over
When does “you'll get over it” begin
I hear what you're saying
But I swear that it's not making sense
So when can I see you

When can I see you again
When can my heart beat again
When can I see you again
When can I breathe once again
And when can I see you

When does my "someday" begin
When I'll find someone again
And what if I still am not truly over
What am I supposed to do then, babe...
Do you see what I'm saying
Even if, if it's not making sense
So when can I see you

When can I see you again
When can my heart beat again
When can I see you again
And when can I breathe once again
And when can I see you... again

Yeah, baby
Do you see what I'm saying
Even if, if it's not making sense, baby
So when can I see you again

When can I see you again
Can my heart beat again, baby
When can I see you again
And when can I breathe once again
And when can I see, babe, again

Wanna see you again
Again...

relationship potential

SECTION I: How j Relates to Other People

Sun Trine Uranus with an orb between 1/2 and 1 degree:
You have a unique view of life and have been fortunate in finding friends and partners with whom you can share it. Your relationships will be most successful when you also have in your life an interest, goal or project which absorbs both of you equally.

Sun Square Pluto with an orb between 1 and 3 degrees:
Power struggles plague your relationships. Either you become the dominant partner out of a fear of being controlled or you become very passive, controlling indirectly through guilt or manipulation. Your father may have been emotionally abusive to you.

Mercury Square Pluto with an orb between 1 and 3 degrees:
You're not awfully good at being disagreed with. You delve into matters, think them through thoroughly and expect your conclusions to be universally shared. Flexibility is not your strong suit. No one should try to lie to you or keep things from you. Somehow you ferret out others' secrets although you keep your own.

Mars Square Saturn with an orb between 1 and 3 degrees:
Your emotional needs were not met when you were growing up and there was nothing you could do about it. Even today, you tend not to express anger or pain or resentment except when you are in an infrequent rage. This is a problem in close relationships.

Mercury Trine Uranus with an orb between 1 and 3 degrees:
You have an innovative turn of mind and may have a talent for an unusual subject. Your ideas are often considered to be ahead of your time. You can be somewhat impersonal and detached - even with close ties. You need to share controversial ideas with friends.

Sun SemiSquare Venus with an orb of less than 1 degree:
Your love nature is very turbulent. You form relationships impulsively and then worry it's with the wrong person. There seems to be a dichotomy between the person you know yourself to be and the person you feel you should be in order to be valued and loved.

Mercury SemiSquare Venus with an orb of less than 1 degree:
Your love nature is rather turbulent. When you fall in love, you can't think of anything else. You are drawn to people whose ideas are often different from your own. Once you're emotionally hooked you worry about compatibility. Perspective can be a problem.


SECTION II: How e Relates to Other People

Mercury Square Pluto with an orb between 1 and 3 degrees:
You're not awfully good at being disagreed with. You delve into matters, think them through thoroughly and expect your conclusions to be universally shared. Flexibility is not your strong suit. No one should try to lie to you or keep things from you. Somehow you ferret out others' secrets although you keep your own.

Mars Sesquiquadrate Saturn with an orb of less than 1 degree:
Your emotional needs were not met when you were growing up and there was nothing you could do about it. Even today, you tend not to express anger or pain or resentment except when you are in an infrequent rage. This is a problem in close relationships.

Venus Conjunct Mars with an orb between 3 and 5 degrees:
Yours was not a happy childhood and, while there is nothing you want more than a close love relationship, you may also fear it. You probably have an active sex life but may have some discomfort acknowledging feelings of love, dependence or vulnerability.

danger: expanding egos

You have great faith in each other and you inspire, encourage and cheer each other on with great exuberance. The problem here, though, may be that your hopes for each other are unrealistic and that reality isn't met by your visionary expectations, even though an aura of confidence and positive affirmations surround you. You may spend a great deal of time, energy and money in your quests and you may travel a great deal because of internal restlessness, but your plans are apt to not work out.

Religion, education, and philosophy are interests that you share, but the difficulty may lie in that there are differences between you in accepting the other's ideas so, instead of expansion, these differences bring stagnation or apathy.

Practical considerations may go right out the window when making decisions and large-scale errors in judgment may be made, thus leading to failure instead of success. You seem to count on things before they have materialized and this leaves you somewhat disillusioned by the whole process. Failure can be realized in business, romance and gambling because of foolish optimism.

Another danger here is that you both may promise more to the relationship than you can deliver, thus leaving one of you feeling that the other is unreliable. Ego confrontations are also a part of the picture and difficulties may arise with authority figures such as parents. You may also go overboard with finances which results in loss. The two of you will tend to be very materialistic, extravagant and arrogant, spending money on useless items just for the sake of show. These actions will eventually show you the error of your ways.

If you are not careful, there can be minor brushes with the law so you would be well advised to keep your noses clean.

like, riding a bike again – sorta.

Well, it’s not like we’re 10 years apart. But he is indeed the youngest by far. He didn’t come on too strong but he’d feel my hands a lot, try to put his arm around my waist, etc. The good news is he didn’t try to kiss me – yet. I don’t know; Maybe I was too optimistic but I was hoping we’d be friends and hang out. I don’t think he’s interested in that.

Dear God, I know I wanted sex but I'm not too sure I want it with him. He is cute but he doesn't make me feel younger. He stares at me quite intensely and it makes me even more cautious of how to behave around him. I'm not sure if this is such a good idea, even for a fling. Shit, it shouldn't be so complicated if I just want fun. But it looks like I'm starting to warm up to him; I felt an electrifying jolt when he kissed my hand. And he is so interesting, probably more mature than all the dicks I've had.

I don't know, dunno.

But:
Real men want women of any age who like them, who want to make them feel good and who raise their testosterone level.
If this is true, I should just let go of my inhibitions and see it through.

die bitch, die!

I've had it; time to plan an exit strategy!

vagina day

Friendster Horoscope, The Bottom Line: Know that there's nothing in this day that you can't handle with grace.
In Detail: You are living proof that a person doesn't have to be an Olympic gymnast to have extremely good balance! Know that there's nothing in this day that you can't handle with grace, no matter how unexpected it may be. Socially, you are also ready to balance your career obligations with your personal life -- and this could result in some very exciting opportunities. It looks as though you might be able to increase your earnings a lot sooner than you thought.

Dear God, please let this day be less trying than yesterday. Maybe if I survive V-day, then perhaps I'll finally reach nirvana, finally free from sexual desires. Free at last -- I hope.

dissed 'n pissed

Hey, V-day is tomorrow but no worries; it was my fault to get my hopes up on a stupid speed dating. Like Jae said, it ain't the best venue to meet people.

Sometimes I wonder why I bother being nice. It seems so clear to me that when guys find you "out of their league," their jackass mode kicks in and they're the biggest jerks you've ever met. Of course, I ain't saying all the guys were like that but I could not believe the gall of some. I mean, in order for me to get your church's website url, I must go out with you? Yep, it was a "Christian" event too -- whatever!

And uh, when you request a specific age range, apparently the organizers know best and send you the oldest guys they can find. The reason I don't like older guys is that they're usually fixed in their ways and very narrow-minded -- too reminiscent of my obstinate father. That is, I might as well date my father's generation; it's creepy. Let me add another thing about old guys; and when I say "old," I mean 35 and up. But I ran into 37 and 40s who linger too much on the handshake and hugs -- creepy -- and who also have the delusion that they're irresistible due to their financial stability -- WRONG! And hey, when I say 29 and 30 only, GIVE me 29 & 30! Don't throw me a 40! Trust me, you didn't misread it; it said 30!

Oh, and stop passing judgement! If you're a freaking organizer, don't try to impose your sad experience as a basis for justifying how I'll "get a poor guy's hopes up." W-H-A-T-E-V-A! It's a game and we've all put ourselves out there that day, possibly to get rejected and otherwise. Unless this event was a late-night brainchild spawned by you and your buds, I can see why you're determined to control and "monitor." See, the idea was to help you and your buds find dates.

And if you can't tell, I'm REALLY pissed!

lost and found...

in my backpack! Oh, I love you my sweet, sweet yellow mechanical pencil! We're never, ever gonna be apart again (until I find no use for you anymore)! Oh, how I missed you so! Of course, I've put your sibling away, back in the ugly assorted colors box. Now, let's go make academic love!

miss ya...

my old yellow Staples 0.5 mm mechanical pencil! You're lost somewhere in the car or in the E*Trade room. I kind of want to find you but at the same time I kind of don't; you see, by the time I find you, you're probably tainted with someone else's germs. You were special cuz you were a virgin like that. You were also special cuz you were the prettiest color in the assorted colors box.
I'm kind of glad that Staples sells your color by the dozen; it's a safe bet that they recognize your beauty too. So I pulled out your sibling to replace you but it ain't just the same; it doesn't have that smudged and ragged eraser that I used relentlessly playing Sudoku, and it just looks too damn brand-new; it's just not you. It feels like a stranger, too unfamiliar and cold.

It's very weird that I feel this way cuz I had no problem replacing your relative, the Staples white plastic eraser. Maybe it would have helped if I accidentally dropped you in a public toilet; I wouldn't be missing you so much.

reflection

I hope when I'm 56, I'll be with someone I love. It wouldn't matter whether I'm married to that person; I just don't want to be like her -- watching soaps, living vicariously through made-up characters just because she chose money over love.

It's not like I can't understand but I can't help feeling angry. It's one thing to live with a choice; it's postively unforgivable if you make others suffer for it -- especially your own children. To be honest, I'm not sure she wants her children to fare well in love; probably cuz she'll be jealous and can't stand the fact that she was dealt with an "unfair" hand in regards to her life.

If I can't find love in my lifetime, I hope I'll at least find success in something else.

as an outsider...

I'm trying to understand but I can't. She doesn't want to let go of Peter and she doesn't want anybody to date Doc. She's got a plank in her eye and she keeps yammering about specks in others. Frankly, I rather have her leave Peter so he can at least be with someone who'd be willing to commit. But I gave her my word that I'd be on her side, no matter what. If only Doc showed some sign that he's interested in her... But Doc is one flirtatious fiend, leading on PN (Prostitute Name aka Yoohoo's sister). I can't even blame it all on Doc cuz everyone's participating.

I don't like witnessing people being so treacherous to each other. It makes me sad; really sad. They're decent people and I don't feel like hanging out with 'em anymore.

the flow

and on the 9th day, i bled. but i can't remember the one in december.

tears

it's ok to cry; sometimes you just need a release.

what's in a name

I was given a gender-neutral name because a fortune teller had told my parents that I would become famous; and what better name for a 여사[女史]?

But I realized today that the fortune teller probably failed to mention a minor detail: that when a 여사 keeps her maiden last name, it usually means that she's alone -- single, unmarried, divorced, etc.

What am I saying? It just dawned on me recently that I may never get married or meet someone. This does not mean I'm being pessimistic; I'm sure I will encounter various people but it does not mean that they'll stick around. In fact, I'm not so sure if marriage is part of "the plan."

I doubt that I'll become famous but that fortune teller is right about me as a 여사. I just hope that I'll adjust better to this lifestyle. Deep down, inside, I know I will. I've seen one myself to know that I'll be ok. I think she was in my life to assure me that I have little to be afraid; she has fared well and will continue to.

Surprisingly, she told me once that I should never follow her path, and discouraged me to attempt her lifestyle. But I think she tried so hard dissuading me because she knew I would face, if not the same, a similar fate. Not because I didn't exhaust all options, it's just that maybe it wasn't -- and I hate to say this because I believe in choices -- my purpose.

I just think it'd be easier on me if I just let go of that fantasy -- finding that wonderful someone. And learn, rather to become that independent individual, living up to her name.

the acceptance of risk

I've kind of said this about Yul, and I've said similar things before, but to me, one of the things that makes a good Survivor player is acceptance of risk, in the sense that you can't constantly play as if you can definitely avoid losing. It's sort of what Probst means about big moves, but it isn't always flashy moves. It's exactly the playing of probabilities, and this group did it really well. Think about that time on Palau where Tom and Ian were willing to draw rocks if they needed to in order to boot Gregg before he came after them. The acceptance of that risk made it possible for them to avoid disaster. If you aren't willing to risk anything, you don't have any cards to play, really. By approaching Jonathan to flip and revealing that he had the idol, Yul risked having Jonathan tell Raro that he had it, which wasn't what he wanted at all at that moment. Bad players are frozen by that knowledge, and they remain inactive as if inactivity carries no risk, when in fact, it carries enormous risk. You have to be good at weighing the risk of doing something against the risk of doing nothing, and most people are only good at weighing the risks of doing various things, and if all those risks are identifiable, then they don't do anything.

to all you crazy muthas out there...

mommy dearest is a bitch
mommy dearest will never quit
mommy dearest ain't really mommy.