i so wanna get wasted right now

It just hit me that maybe I'll never be ready or mature enough for marriage. I'm coming to the conclusion that in the end, some people just dive into it.

I have to remind myself that I'm unlike other people; I have to at least be in a position where I can bring something to the table and I just-- can't right now. Most likely, by the time I am "ready" to have children, I'll have to deal with the fact that my eggs will be too old and maybe I'll have to look into other options, like adoption.

I used to be so sure that adoption was "the way" and the future for mankind. As of now, I'm thinking that if I can't even take care of myself, how the hell can I take care of another human being and somehow try to protect my heart from being devastated by its betrayals and the pain the thing will inflict upon me. That's right; all I can think about is the pain I'll experience by the child. Pain, pain, and pain.

My life is just full of agony so it's hard to look on the bright side if there is any. I just want to cry.

the ship has sailed

Just found out that Scat got married 2 weeks ago. This year, that makes 3 guys I dreamt of having a future with. Ok, Jepp doesn't count cuz all he meant to me was just a good choice for a prom date. But, Scat's marriage means the end to my high school days. That's right: no more hoping or potential suitors from those days; no more blast from the past.

Ugh, I'm such a loser. No matter how much I tell myself I'm better off alone, as soon as I see the happy pictures, I get so jealous. Please, no more weddings this year. Lord, just spare me another despair for the rest of the year at least. Well, you've done your worst. They're all taken now. I'm just meant to be so miserable. So alone.

Funny. Just yesterday I was glad that I was alone.

Why can't I stop feeling so betrayed? So stabbed in the back? Why am I so angry?

Scat and I shared a beautiful moment, down on our knees, connected. I don't know if I'll ever get to have that kind of moment with another man. Scat may have experienced that with many girls but for me, he was the first and probably the last. Maybe that's why it stings so badly, searing...

Ah, I'll get over it. Soon, I hope.

when blading, protect your tailbone

I should have stayed home and had some tub of ice cream; instead, my tailbone is aching, left back thigh is burning, and my left hand is scraped. If only I wore my hand guards, my hands would be at least be free! Stupid, stupid, and stupid! Always wear long jeans no matter how hot it is! You scraped your polyester ones, should have known better!

Funny thing is, as I finally got myself together, I saw the passing back of a biker's t-shirt that advertised a chiropractor team. I cracked up. The odd thing is, that chap got off his wheels too and ran the track; so I had another pleasure of seeing his "subtle" advertisement; I think he was trying to reel me in after my fall.

In retrospect, I should have taken the boys' offer to help me to my feet; it would have been a nice way to meet them. But I didn't. I always hated it when people would rush you to get up. Why can't you let me just get to it myself at my own pace?

so strange and creepy

The other day I had this sort of deja vu moment, except that this time, I'm pretty darn positive that it didn't happen in my dreams first: I'm opening the hatchback and it occurred to me that I visioned this moment where I would touch the handle and remember an old lady's face and a mixed-grain rice package.

It's just so weird and disturbing that sometimes I wonder why I have these moments, and usually they're not good things. For example, I saw Dodook and Ramen in my dreams, on top of me, just about to enter me. I even saw my unhappy self working at the Rocawear-wannabe company.

I once told Ali of my deja vus and she just looked at me funny.

I'm not making these up but if it's a gift, it's kind of a useless one if ya ask me. What's the point of seeing (bad) things in the future, when it'll happen anyway despite all your precautions?

domesticated

"Despite everything, I still love her -- I think."

"You do?"

"Yea, I mean, she's my mother and I'd still be willing to buy her nice things if I can afford it -- even though I know that she'll drive me insane. I just need some time to cry myself out and calm down and eventually she'll get her way. Jesus Christ, no wonder I'm always the doormat in every relationship."

bleak

I know that Ma and Pa won't leave me a dime. Most likely Jae's gonna get all of it but they'll give Gonzo a good bulk too since he's the first son. As for me, Pa will probably leave a will saying that I should have known better than to end up as an unsuccessful, old maid. Ma will chime in with a victim speech, saying that I don't deserve anything after all I've said and done to her.

Maybe Jae will cut me some but if there isn't much left, I doubt he'll be generous. And even if there is enough, he'll interrogate viciously before I even see a cent. But that's nothing compared to what Gonzo's gonna do. I'll never forget his threat of throwing me out on the curb because the deed is under his name, reminding me that I don't own anything. So, what's a girl to do?

One thing for sure, nobody should ever feel so depressed for such a long period of time. It's really terrible. My heart wrenches 90% of the time cuz I feel so alone. The only way to really overcome it is to put all your energy on better or positive things like a career or goals.

My life would be better if I didn't talk back as much but it's not in my nature. Maybe I can blame it on Western ideology that supports individualism; whoever came up with the idea that you should always speak out is an idiot. Heros die and it's only the cowards who survive. And when you realize how disgusting you really are, there are only 2 things u can do: sink or swim. I'm trying hard as I can to not sink. So, when I'm about to die, I can definitely say that I did try.

irritating

"Wah, wah! Things didn't work out the way I planned!

Wah, wah! I misused my husband's inheritance and income and I don't know why I'm still poor! God should bless me cuz I poured it on church even against the advice of my pastor! I'll just beg God to give me more cuz he always has!

Wah, wah! My daughter hates me! My daughter thinks I'm stupid but I'll prove her wrong at the expense of her future. As long as I make her grovel, my life is perfect! I don't know why she thinks school is worth spending money."

teary

It's only a matter of time; I'm gonna have to take a hard look at myself because I burned a lot of bridges. I bet that when I really get into trouble, I'm gonna be all alone. It's gonna suck that I have nothing to fall back on; sometimes my mouth really lands me into trouble but with time, I don't regret so much. Since I have nobody but myself, there's so much at stake. You hope that you'll have a support troop but eventually you're gonna have to do the walking. Some people are fortunate to have been fed with a silverspoon but I wasn't blessed that way and time is running out. I have to be consumed with escaping this prison; being sidetracked by distractions like friends and love is out of the question. I've done those episodes and there's a dragon lady breathing fire and threatening to ruin me... It's gonna be a rough night. So kids, if you're bedmates with a brat, don't be stupid like me and get on her case. Trust me, karma's a bitch and I know it'll come to bite me in the ass; cuz God's fair, ya know. Plus, I never win. And even if I do, it's fleeting.

And as usual, when Ma stays home, all hell breaks loose. Her and her stupid plans and if she doesn't get what she wants, she fumes and lashes out. Maybe I should try planning this better next time. Eh, I'm just glad she's off to work tomorrow. Yay, tomorrow!

that kiss

There's nothing like a soft kiss from the wind.

After the rain
You can look to the sky again
The clouds will give way
To the light of the sun
After the rain
You know that you've made it through
And you'll finally see the joy from the pain
After the rain

afterthought

I'm not exactly sure when I'll see Haepee again. But I'd like to conclude the recent episode. In a way, the three of us sitting at the sushi bar was a nice way to avoid looking into each other's eyes; it was a nice way to evade seeing the fragile ties for what it truly is. I'm afraid the next time we meet, I'll be less kind because every time we do, my resentment grows instead. The fact that I can no longer dote her doesn't make me feel good about myself; I really don't want to be the jealous type. But people just take, take, and take; they love me when I play the doormat.

It doesn't help that the weather has become suitable for sweaters; I'm starting to feel lonely. And when fall makes her entrance, I take a trip down memory lane, evoking that postcard from him that is no more. It's odd that his name can mean "standard." In a way, he was the prototype.

Well, the reunion served to underscore our insignificance 10 years ago, when I arrived at that village with hopes and dreams, and that we are not extraordinary. So, this recent meeting was far from being great -- it did not evoke monumental positive energy or cement our relationships tighter. Although I wish to hear their opinions, they're not here. And so, I'm the only one talking.

so tired

Maybe I'll have pleasant dreams when so tired. Maybe my dreams will be better than my life where I feel so bad all the time.

a possibility

... lives that are young but already old in discouragement. Perhaps what we are meant to feel between Arturo and Camilla is not chemistry but geometry: They could fit well together, and provide each other's missing angles.

bracing myself

It's gonna be a long weekend. Labor Day just snuck up on me with a letter from Workers Comp., demanding 25 grand in penalties; I need to ditch this E2 visa. I'm hoping that Ma opens on Monday cuz it's gonna be hell in this crowded condo. I better come up with a plan for the rainy days. Otherwise, I'm seeing images of me in tears.

envy

I'm not too sure if I can be around Haepee. She, unlike me, has a great relationship with her father, and I just feel cheated because though she may not have brains or the beauty, she has wealth and love -- something I may never obtain. She's great but her presence only emphasizes how much I lack and yet I'm always nice to her. If I want to stop the self-effacing, I may need to cut her out of my life. When she's not around, I just don't feel as bad about myself -- so naked and ashamed.

breaking up with booze

It occurred to me that I haven't had a drop of booze since God-knows-when. I also realized that after meeting up with Haepee and Butterface aka Yoohoo, that I better make good use of my time and research a new career ASAP. Those knuckeheads are spoiled brats who've become passionless, washed-out, and aimless hags; and I hope to God I will do everything within my power to make something of myself.

So, booze is out. Pa drinks enough for this family. Until there's a great or happy occasion to celebrate, I'm gonna steer away from it.

Boy, bag it up!

Ladies, sperm is bad, bad, and bad! Next time the idiot goes "Come on, it's my birthday!", you say: "My mama told me that any man willing to fuel cervical cancer is an asshole." Lay it on thick. Guilt trips rule! We now finally got a way to turn the finger around! If he calls you ignorant, tell him to take a hike for your own good cuz he doesn't care that you can get pregnant or cancer or worse, both!